


Different Start

by AniRay



Category: Queen of the South (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, But A Good Bit Of Sex, Canon-Typical Violence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Smut, not just sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-17
Updated: 2019-07-04
Packaged: 2020-01-15 07:26:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 26,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18494179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AniRay/pseuds/AniRay
Summary: She didn't want it to mean anything. She didn't think it even could mean anything.AU where James and Teresa start having casual sex in Season 1





	1. Season 1

**Author's Note:**

> So basically, I wanted Jeresa to have sex from the moment they saw each other. So that's what I wrote... With some fluff thrown in.

**1x02**

She couldn’t sleep.

The day had been so stressful. Every moment had been about surviving. From agreeing to be Camila’s mule to racing through Dallas streets with that guy- James. She was exhausted. She was sore. And all she wanted to do was sleep.

But that was the problem. She couldn’t sleep. Her mind kept replaying her last day in Mexico. She kept hearing the phone ring- telling her Guero was gone. She kept seeing Tony’s scared little face. Running from Epifanio’s men. Getting to the safe house.

Gato.

She could still feel his hands and his breath and _him._ She had taken a shower. She had been given clean clothes. But it wasn’t enough.  So she got up from the cot she was sleeping on. It was dark and quiet. Most of the other girls were asleep unless they were ‘working’. So she slipped out of her section of cages and wandered.

She didn’t expect to find him there. She figured he would be at his own place by now. But there he stood, stray curl falling into his eyes. She knew he had heard her. She hadn’t thought that she needed to be subtle. But he didn’t look at her. His eyes were focused on a spread of papers on the table in front of him.

“You should be asleep.”

She bristled at his tone and the meaning behind it. She wasn’t wanted here. Well she didn’t want to _be_ here. She wanted to be in Mexico, in her home with Guero beside her. She wanted to not be living the life she was at this moment. But life doesn’t give people what they want all the time.

“What are you doing?” It was her way of telling him she wasn’t leaving. It was her way of saying she wasn’t one of the other girls who obeyed his every order. His eyes met hers for a second, annoyance and something else she couldn’t quite name visible for her to see. It made her nervous.

He slowly slid one of the papers over for her to see. She stepped closer to see it properly. It was an inventory- the amount of product ready for distribution and what they were keeping in reserve. Another sheet had prices with names beside them. “People get greedy. We have to be careful.” She nodded slowly.

Then he was gathering the papers up and organizing them. She knew the moment was over and stepped back.  Except the prospect of going back to that cot made her chest tight. The thought of her memories being turned into even worse nightmares made her hands shake. And she could still feel Gato on her skin. She wanted that memory gone. She wanted the memory of Guero’s last touch gone tonight too.

So she stepped closer to James. He glanced at her curiously, but didn’t say anything. Not until she stepped into the space between him and the table. Not until her hands came to rest on his chest. “It won’t make you feel better.” She was surprised. Most men she had experience with would accept her offer without a word. At least not one that wasn’t demeaning. But it didn’t matter. She needed this and for some reason she knew he wouldn’t hurt her- not in any way that mattered.

“I don’t want to feel better. I want to feel someone different.”

Then she was pressing up to kiss along his jaw. Her hands roamed across his chest, mapping the feel of him with her hands. He was hard muscles and warmth. But she didn’t care about that- not really. Her hands went to the shoulders of his leather jacket, pushing it off of him. He let her. When her hands dropped to the hem of his t-shirt and pulled it off, he let her. But that was all he did. He stood there, unmoving, while she did what she wanted.

It frustrated her. It made her so angry. Because when she didn’t want a man to touch her- he had. And now, when she almost _needs_ hands on her, he won’t do anything. She pulled back. She knew her eyes were blazing. She knew she must look pathetic to him. But she didn’t care. “What’s the problem?”

He huffed out a sigh and ran his hand down his face. Then he pinned her with the same look he’d given her before he told her to blow the job. “Whatever this is… you don’t really want it. Go back to sleep, don’t go back to sleep- that’s on you. But this…isn’t happening.” Then he was picking his shirt up from the floor where she had dropped it and shrugging it back on. He grabbed his jacket and the papers from the table and stepped back- eyeing her carefully. “Goodnight Teresa.” Then he was walking away and she was left in the dark- alone.

She went back to her cot.

She pulled the blanket around her.

She didn’t let herself cry.

**1x03**

She thought things would be awkward between them. But James acted as if nothing had happened the night before and so Teresa followed his lead. She went with him and the other two girls to the store. Then she went with him to the delivery after Camila’s little test with the DEA agents. The deal with Lopez had been more than she expected. She had been threatened before, that wasn’t new. But the way James had followed her lead- Guero had never listened to her opinions about business. He had always wanted to protect her.

Not that James didn’t. He was responsible for her and that meant keeping her alive and unharmed. But still… It was nice to be recognized as something other than a girlfriend. He had trusted her experience. He had trusted her instincts. And she may not trust him or consider him anywhere close to a good person. But he had seen more than her body.

So when they had been driving back to the warehouse after her meeting with Camila she asked him to pull over. She could tell he didn’t know what she was thinking but he pulled over anyway. She reached over and put the truck in park ignoring the weight of his eyes on her. Then she slid across the truck and climbed into his lap. He watched her- face impassive- while she undid his jeans. He didn’t move when she reached inside and took him in her hand. He didn’t speak when she stroked up and down the length of him- making him hard.

But he stopped her hand when she moved to undo her own jeans. His grip was firm but not painful. That was a change from the last man who touched her. She pushed the thought away and let out a heavy sigh. “Why do you keep doing this, Teresa?” His voice was even and there was no hint that he was concerned with his dick being out or having her straddling him on the side of the road. He was as cool as always.

But she didn’t want him cool and collected. She wanted him to lose some of the control he always had. And she wanted him to get her body to relax so her mind could too. So she didn’t answer him. She gently twisted her hand free of his grip. There wasn’t much room to maneuver but she managed to get on the floor between his knees. The steering wheel nudged her spine but not enough to be uncomfortable.

Then her mouth was pressed to the warm skin at the base of his cock. One hand was pressed to his thigh to keep her balance and the other went to slide her fingers along the length of him. Her lips and tongue followed the path her fingers traveled. She felt the pattern of his breathing change, but he didn’t move- didn’t make a sound. It was frustrating and arousing simultaneously.

She felt his hands tangle in her hair and for a moment she was sure he would give in. But he wasn’t. He was pulling her back up. His grip was firm, but not rough and he applied just enough pressure for her to get the idea and settle back unto the seat beside him.

“Why are you doing this? I know you don’t really want me. So whatever this is- you need to stop.”

Her eyes went to his cock. He didn’t seem to really care that his dick was out. It was like that fact was second to his need to understand her.  He casually tucked himself in his pants, not rushing or fumbling. Then he zipped himself back up and put the truck back in gear. She looked at his face and for a second she thought she saw concern instead of his usual blankness.

Anger washed over her. She had just needed one thing. Just a few moments of pleasure to take the edge off of the pain. But he couldn’t- wouldn’t give her that. She had been willing to get him off. And wasn’t that really what all guys wanted anyway? A pretty face, a warm body? So how dare he pretend to care about her motives? How dare he ask in the first place? She hadn’t been allowed to ask about Gato’s motives or her disgusting old boss’ motives. So why should she have to answer to him about hers.

She flung herself back to her side of the truck- put as much space between them as possible.

Fine, she didn’t need him to make her feel better.

She didn’t need anyone.

**1x04**

Her neck still hurt from where Batman had tazed her. There was a cut or two on her face from when he broke the car window. But she didn’t use the ice sitting on the crate by her cot. It felt like too much work to pick it up- to hold it. Besides, Brenda had patched her up when they got to the motel she and Tony were staying at.

She was just so tired.

The other girls were asleep. They had stared at her with the usual bitchiness when she walked in scratched up with a bag of ice in her hand. Not one of them had asked if she was okay. Not that she expected them to. But the isolation just made her miss Brenda- even more now that she was in Dallas, too. It made her miss Mexico, even with all of its dangers.

She missed Guero.

The sound of the warehouse door opening caught her attention. She glanced around to see if any of the other girls had noticed, but they were still sleeping peacefully. She didn’t know how anyone could sleep peacefully in this place. Then the sound of a gate on the other side of the building had her up and moving. Just because there were guards didn’t mean she trusted them to keep her safe.

As quietly as she could she opened the gate to the cage she was in. It squealed a lot louder than she wanted it to, but it was still quieter than usual. She didn’t close it back- it was always louder when you closed it. Instead she made her way to the other side of the building- back to the room Camila had put her in for their first meeting.

She hated herself a little bit for being able to recognize him so easily. James’ back was to her and he was leaning against the table she had almost been turned into a sex slave on. She knew he heard her- she hadn’t been trying to be quiet. He didn’t turn around. He didn’t even glance over his shoulder.

“Go back to sleep Teresa.”

She ignored him. Stepping further into the room she made her way around the table. He was using the flashlight on his cell phone to look at some blueprints. There was nothing to tell her where the house was or who it belonged to, but she tried to memorize it anyway. She was learning that it was best to pay attention to anything she saw. Especially with James. He was so quiet and hard to read. He only gave you the information you needed to get a job done. But Teresa wanted, and needed, more than that if she was really going to survive this place.

“How many girls have died?” That got his attention. He looked up at her and she could just make out some kind of emotion in his eyes. Then his expression changed and he got a mildly confused look. He was a good actor when he wanted to be, but not right now. “On the way to the airport you said that Aveline wasn’t the first girl to die. How many have died?”

He spread a hand across the blueprints. On anyone else she would have called it a nervous thing. But not James- it seemed more like guilt. “It doesn’t matter how many. Just make sure you aren’t next.” He dropped his gaze back to the paper in front of him. But she could tell his concentration was broken. After a minute of staring he rolled up the paper with a heavy sigh. Turning to leave, he gestured for her to follow him. She hesitated. He hadn’t wanted to be anywhere near her outside of a job and now he was…what? “Look, you’re safe with me. Hurting you doesn’t get me anything.”

She couldn’t help herself. “That’s never stopped any of the other men I’ve dealt with.” He didn’t even blink. Just stood there waiting for her to make up her mind. She took a careful step around the table leaving enough space between them so he couldn’t reach her. But he didn’t try to. He walked out not even looking to see if she followed. “Where are we going?”

He didn’t answer- just led her to a side door. There was a guard outside the door. He nodded at James but then stepped forward to block her path. “She’s with me.” Teresa wanted to be annoyed- and she was- but it was nothing new. She was a prisoner and these people were her jailors- even James. Especially James. But the guard let her pass and she made sure to hold her head high as she did. She wasn’t going to let them intimidate her- her fear was her secret.

They got to a small sports car and James opened the driver’s door. Teresa couldn’t help thinking Brenda would love to drive this. She started to walk around to the passenger side, but his hand on her arm stopped her. “You’re driving.” She stared at him for a moment- trying to figure out what he was doing, but it was too dark to see clearly. Slowly pulling her arm out of his grasp she slid into the driver’s seat. James waited until she was in comfortably and then closed her door. She watched as he made his way to the passenger’s side and got in- handing her the keys as the door closed. “Go until you run out of gas.”

She looked at the gas needle. It was at a half of a tank. So she drove. She drove until she could almost forget that she had to go back. James didn’t speak. He didn’t even look in her direction. His eyes were closed, one hand on his thigh, the other tracing invisible patterns on the window. She didn’t know why he was doing this, but Teresa didn’t really care either. A smile formed on her lips and she didn’t try to will it away.

It was hours later when the gas light turned on. She had no clue where they were- she had been taking turns at random, not paying attention to anything. But when she looked up, there was a gas station not too far away. She drove to it and pulled in. She had thought that James might have fallen asleep, but he was reaching for the keys as soon as she put the car in park. She watched him get out and pump the gas, then she watched as he went into the station and bought some things.

When he came back, he motioned for her to switch seats, so she did. A part of her was reluctant to let him drive. It had been a sense of freedom she hadn’t realized that she missed. But she didn’t dwell on it. She settled into the passenger seat and when he got in the car he handed her the small bag of things. “Water and orange juice. I got you a bagel, too. Plain. Hand me the barbeque chips. The rest you can choose from.”

She turned to look at him. He was a killer. He was a cartel lieutenant. He was the person who locked her cage at night. And she hated him. But he was also the person who almost blew a job to keep her breathing. And he was the guy who trusted her instincts for no reason. And now he was giving her midnight joyrides and buying her snacks… The two images in her mind of this man didn’t match up.

So she didn’t think about it anymore. She ate her bagel in silence. She drank the juice, but saved the water. She left the chips for the girls at the warehouse.  Then she let herself fall asleep.

_She was in her house in Sinaloa. She could hear a phone ringing downstairs. She got up from her bed and made her way down the steps. They were different. The marble was gone and replaced by rotting wood. But she kept going. She reached the place where the ringing was coming from, but there was nothing there. No table, no phone, nothing. She walked around the rest of the house until she reached the kitchen. Guero was there. Smoke was coming from his skin and his clothes were charred and black. His hair was burned uneven and short. ‘You don’t know me Teresa. But Guero is dead.’ His mouth was moving but it wasn’t his voice._

_Then the floor gave out and she was falling._

_She tried to scream but nothing came out. Then she was in a room surrounded by a thousand Gatos. He was behind her and on top of her. His hands came from every direction. And she couldn’t breathe- the weight from all of his bodies was too heavy. Then she heard Epifanio’s voice, ‘I can’t help you Teresa. I’m sorry.’ Then it was just hands and weight and darkness._

_She screamed._

“Teresa!”

She jerked forward. The seatbelt cut into her chest as it locked in place. But she barely registered it. Her eyes flew around the space frantically and she could feel her heart pounding in her chest as she tried to get her bearings. She forced herself to take a big, deep breath and hold it- even though it felt like there wasn’t enough air in the world.

“Teresa. Look at me.” James. She recognized the voice. She turned her head slowly and looked at him. His face was blank, but she could see concern in his eyes. His hands were stretched out like he was going to touch her, but he didn’t. Her mind told her he had probably tried to wake her up, but it was a passing thought. “Take a breath.”

She had forgotten. Her chest burned but she hadn’t related it to lack of oxygen. She let out the breath she had been holding and drew in a new one. Let it out. Then she was breathing normally- if a little shaky. Slowly, James reached into the back seat and grabbed the water bottle he had bought for himself. She knew it was his because hers was on the floor by her feet. He opened it and handed it to her- wordlessly telling her to drink.

She did.

Then she undid her seatbelt and climbed into his lap.

She expected him to do what he had done all the other times. Push her away. Tell her it wasn’t happening. But he didn’t. Instead he reached down and slid the seat back as far as it would go. Then he lowered the back of the chair so they were lying almost flat. His arms settled around her and his hands rubbed gently at her back.

Her eyes burned with tears, but she didn’t cry.

And he just held her until she was ready to go again.

**1x05**

She could have killed him.

She was so pissed at him and it didn’t even make sense. But he had sat there and held her back when that man was being murdered. James could have stopped it- they both knew that. But he hadn’t. He had just watched as if it was nothing. And then he had tried to lecture her on what it meant to be in the cartel. As if she didn’t already know. As if she hadn’t already lost too many people she loved because of this world. But he had been wrong. It wasn’t her world. She had never wanted it to be her world. She had wanted Guero.

_Guero is dead._

She clenched her fists against the pain that lanced through her at that thought. She couldn’t live like this. She couldn’t survive if the _thought_ of him hurt her this much forever. She went to the bathroom as if moving would keep the pain from following her- swallowing her. She stripped off the dress James had brought her. A part of her wanted to tear it apart. She wanted to return it to him as broken and worthless as she had felt in it. But the other part of her- the survivor- told her to be careful with it. She might need it one day. She might need _him_ one day.

Her mind went back to the other night. The way he had held her in his lap on the side of the road. They didn’t talk about it. They didn’t even mention it. But she knew he watched her more carefully. He had started showing up around the time the warehouse shut down. He would go to that little back room and she would meet him. He brought her coffee and she knew he drugged it so she could sleep.

A part of her resented it- this caring side of him. He didn’t have the right to take care of her. And she didn’t want or need him to. She had been surviving nightmares for years without him. But she still went and she still drank his drugged coffee and she still pretended not to notice him watching her as she moved to her cot each night.

She looked at the red dress again. He probably wouldn’t be bringing her coffee tonight. Pulling on her regular clothes Teresa stepped out of the bathroom and into the main space of the warehouse. A group of guards were huddled in the corner talking amongst themselves. Teresa moved to walk passed them when one reached out and grabbed her around the waist. Her instinct was to fight- to push him off of her. But she stayed calm. It wouldn’t do any good to make a scene- none of these people would help her anyway.

“This one, she thinks she’s too good for us. But I know Valdez gets her every night. Wonder how good she is for him to keep coming back.” His hands slid over her body and she had to fight not to gag. The other guys looked nervous but excited and she hated each of them in that moment. The guy holding her spun her around and pulled her in close. “How about you give me a little taste of what you can do, huh?” Then he was pushing her down to her knees, one hand gripping tight in her hair, the other going to his zipper.

“Teresa, get up.”

The guy froze. She took the opportunity to push herself away from him- staggering as she got to her feet. James stepped up behind her- hand at her back to help her catch her balance. She wanted to look at him but she was acting on instinct now- and instinct said don’t look away from the thing that wants to destroy you. And right now, James wasn’t that thing.

“Look, man, we were just messing around. We weren’t really trying to go for your girl.” She felt a new tension in the hand at her back. It almost distracted her from the words coming out of that pendejo’s mouth. She wasn’t James’. She wasn’t anyone’s anymore.

James dropped his hand from her and Teresa glanced at him from the corner of her eye. He pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and lit it, then handed it to her. “The stuff is on the table- I’ll meet you in a minute.” Then he nodded towards the back room. She hesitated for a moment, trying to figure out what he was thinking. But that was impossible tonight. So she took a long drag of his cigarette and handed it back. The taste of the tobacco calmed her and she wondered if he had known that it would. She turned and walked away.

It was ten minutes when he showed up. He walked up to her and pulled her out of her chair. It was a surprise, but he wasn’t rough so she didn’t fight him. He tilted her head to the left, then the right. Then he checked her arms.  “Lift your shirt.” She glared at him. She knew she couldn’t trust him, but she had thought he was different when it came to this. “Teresa, lift your shirt.” She did, slowly. But he didn’t touch her; he just looked her over with the same blank eyes as before. He brushed her hands away and let her shirt fall back in place. “He won’t touch you again.”

“Thank you.”

He nodded and somehow it managed to be dismissive and reassuring at the same time. “You’ve got a big day tomorrow. Drink your coffee and go to sleep.” Then he moved to sit in the chair he usually sat in- the one across from hers. He drank his coffee and she drank hers. She didn’t realize that she was falling asleep until he picked her up. She jolted in his arms, but James just tightened his grip. “Relax. You’re safe.” It was a lie. Something in her mind told her that she was never safe. But it was fuzzy and she couldn’t think of why she thought that.

Her head fell onto James’ shoulder and for a moment she felt like maybe she _was_ safe. Then her mind registered the sound of one of the cages opening. Her eyes blinked open and she saw the guy from earlier. He had a split lip and a bruise on his jaw. She frowned as she tried to remember if it had been there before. But she blinked and he was gone. She was being lowered onto her cot and then James was walking away.

“Thank you.”

She was asleep before he walked through the door.

**1x06**

Her mind kept replaying Brenda’s words- _his_ words.

It shouldn’t be like that. The person who meant the most to her shouldn’t be saying the same things as the person who only saw her as a business tool. But still she heard them, their voices overlapping.  And it made something in her ache a little. Because her worlds were colliding. And she couldn’t stop it.

She walked into the warehouse and immediately her eyes went to the corner where the guards all sat. They hadn’t talked to her or touched her since the other night, but she was still cautious. But none of them even looked at her. So she walked passed. The cages were full and most of the girls were sleeping. They still glared at her, but it wasn’t so overwhelming now. They were used to her.

_Or maybe they think you’re James’ girl like the guards did._

She dropped her things off at her cot and wound her way through the cages to the back room. She stopped in the doorway. Camila was there, sitting in James’ seat. And James was… not there. “Teresa, come sit down.” She tentatively moved closer, eyes never leaving Camila as she moved to her usual seat. “James is running behind. I thought we could catch up until he gets here.”

It was interesting to Teresa how Camila always made her threats and demands sound so polite. Teresa sat in her chair and waited for Camila to speak. She wasn’t going to volunteer anything. That was dangerous in this world. She didn’t have to wait long. “You know, Teresa, this could all be simpler if you would trust me- the way you trust James.” The smug tilt of Camila’s lips told Teresa that there was more behind her words than she was letting on. Camila leaned forward. “He takes care of you, doesn’t he? He keeps you safe. I can see why you feel close to him.”

“We aren’t close.”

But her answer only seemed to amuse Camila more. The older woman sat back and let her eyes rake over Teresa. “No. You two aren’t close.” The words were cold suddenly. And Teresa didn’t understand what Camila was trying to imply. “His job is to keep you alive. His job is to teach you to do the things I need you to do. Until I say otherwise.” Teresa’s spine straightened at that. She didn’t trust James, but they had an understanding. And that meant more to her than all of Camila’s attempts at a relationship.

Footsteps came from down the hall and Teresa knew it was James. She watched as he turned that corner and Camila came into view. His steps never faltered and there was only a moment of confusion on his face before it was wiped of emotion. Camila smiled her slow, mean smile before she turned in her seat to face James.

“Camila.”

“James. We were waiting for you.” James moved to stand beside the table. He placed Teresa’s coffee in front of her and set his in front of Camila. “That’s not necessary. I know this is something special for you two.” Teresa hated the way Camila made it sound dirty. Like drinking a coffee was the same as fucking. But if James was bothered it didn’t show. “Tell me, where did you two go the night you took the Camaro?”

Teresa looked at James. She hadn’t known where they were that night- she had just been driving. And she had fallen asleep again after her nightmare. “We ended up about an hour from Austin.” Teresa hadn’t realized they had gone that far. They had never even gotten on the expressway, she had just been driving.

“Who gave you authority to take Teresa?” She thought she saw James’ jaw clench, but Teresa couldn’t be sure. But she did see the deep breath he took. So did Camila. “Teresa is a special case, as you know. I won’t let you put her at risk. She doesn’t leave Dallas without my permission.” Teresa felt her hands shaking in her lap from anger. But she kept quiet as James nodded. Then Camila stood up. She took a sip of James’ coffee. “I’ll leave you two, now.” Then she placed the cup back on the table and walked out.

James didn’t move for a while and Teresa realized he was waiting for her to be out of the building. When the echo of the door closing reached them he turned to face her. “What did she say?” She shook her head. Nothing Camila had said was true and it was all mind games anyway. James stared at her in silence for a minute before finally sitting down. He pushed his coffee to the side of the table and nodded for her to drink hers.

She didn’t. She stood up and moved around to his side of the table. She could see the question in his eyes. But they both knew what she was doing. She didn’t know why she was doing it this time. But did it really matter? She slid into the space between him and the table. And he let her. Then she pushed his jacket off his shoulders and down his arms. He let her. And when she leaned in and kissed him, he let her. He kissed her back.

It wasn’t like with Guero. It wasn’t like in movies or books. There were no fireworks, no butterflies. It was just a kiss. A really good kiss. The kind that you want at the beginning of a one night stand. She slid into his chair and straddled him. She had done this more times than she liked to admit, but this time was different. He wasn’t a stone beneath her. He was in this too. His hands rested on her waist to keep her steady. And her hands curled around his shoulders. It was fast and wet and so good she almost convinced herself that he was who she truly wanted.

Then he pulled back and her mind cleared a little. His thumbs were rubbing the skin right at the line of her jeans. His breathing was fast and a little uneven but other than that he seemed as unaffected as always. “It’s late. You should go.” His voice was a little huskier than usual, and she liked it. She almost shook her head, started the kiss again- but he gently pushed her away.

She stood up and stepped away from him. She watched as he grabbed his untouched coffee cup and hers too. Then he stood and gestured for her to go first- like he always did. When they got to the end of the makeshift hallway he paused. She turned to face him, but his eyes were on something behind her. Glancing in the direction he was focused on, Teresa saw the guard from the other night. He was watching her- so closely he didn’t even realize that James was watching him. And the look in his eyes told Teresa that he was just biding his time- waiting until James wasn’t looking out for her anymore.

“Night, Teresa.”

She walked away, eyes still on the guard.

“Goodnight, James”

**1x07**

He didn’t show the next night.

Her coffee was waiting on the table, but he wasn’t there. So she took it back to her cot. The other girls looked at her like she held the key to freedom, but she ignored it. They slept at night- without nightmares. She didn’t. And if James was willing to bring her drugged coffee, she wasn’t going to feel bad about the sleep she got.

She laid down and listened as the other girls all fell asleep. She could hear the rasp of the girl she had gotten medicine for. It was better, and her fever was down. She’d be able to move around soon. Teresa focused on that uneven intake of breath and the equally unsteady exhale that followed until the drugs kicked in.

It was early when someone woke her up the next morning. Early enough that the sun wasn’t up yet. Her instincts were dulled by whatever James put in her coffee, but not enough to keep her from fighting. She swung out at the person above her. But she hit air. Then her hands were caught and pressed against her chest.

“Teresa. It’s just me.”

It took a minute for her brain to register who the voice belonged to. But she stopped struggling. James’ hand slowly let go of hers and he pulled away. She took a deep breath to steady herself and then sat up. He nudged her shoes with his foot so she put them on. He motioned for her to come with him and she got up and followed him out of the cage and across the warehouse. When they got to the side door that led to the cars she slowed. “Where are we going?”

“I don’t know.”

He turned so that his back was against the door and tossed her some keys. He opened the door and let her go through. It occurred to her that he always held the door for her and the other girls. His hand at her back reminded her to keep walking. Teresa noticed that the guard didn’t stop her tonight. She still kept her back straight as her made her way to the car, though. She got into the driver’s seat while James got in on the other side. “How far can we go?”

“We have to be back in 3 hours. Go where you want.”

So she did. And like last time he didn’t speak. He just sat quietly with his eyes closed. She made sure to stay in the city, but she took side streets. She stopped at a Taco Bell and ordered the Nacho Bell Grande. It was nowhere near what real nachos should taste like. But she smiled as she ate them. The look of disgust on James’ face when he found an onion in his burrito had Teresa forcing back a laugh. And when it was time to head back to the warehouse, she almost didn’t mind.

She stopped a block away and parked the car. James raised an eyebrow in question, but didn’t comment. She stared down the empty street and wondered what it would take to finally get away from this place. She had enjoyed the drive. It was a gift and she knew that. But she didn’t want driving around Dallas to be a gift. She wanted it to be her right- something she could do without worrying about Camila turning on her or James hunting her down. She glanced over at the man beside her.

“Why do you do this?”

He didn’t look up from his phone. She hadn’t even noticed him pull it out of his pocket. “I know what it’s like to be trapped in a place you can’t get out of.” It seemed so simple. And it was- it really was. But it wasn’t enough. Because he was risking Camila’s wrath just to take some girl out in the middle of the night. He gave a heavy sigh. “The other girls, they don’t feel the same way you do. They don’t see the world like you. If I keep you locked up here,” he said gesturing to the warehouse down the road, “you’ll lose that drive you have to stay alive. So if letting you drive for a few hours keeps you sane…”

Teresa stared at him for a long moment.

Then she drove back to her cage.

**1x08**

They didn’t sleep that night.

No one did. Tonto was shot. The deal with the guys from Florida went… so very wrong. It wasn’t supposed to be like that. They weren’t supposed to get caught. She wasn’t supposed to shoot anyone- kill anyone. She had done her part. She got the maid. She got into the hotel room. She did everything they asked her to.

So why was she the one who had to kill that guy?

James had sent her to bed hours ago, but she couldn’t close her eyes. She kept seeing that guy- dead, blood pooling on the hotel floor. So her eyes stayed open. She listened to the doctor as he checked on Tonto through the night. And then Camila was asking for her. Asking for the maid’s information.

She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t let them kill that woman. She had promised that no one would get hurt- that it would be clean. But she knew James was right. Robbery wasn’t the same as murder. Stealing some cocaine was one thing. But she killed that guy. And James had killed the guys he was with. Teresa couldn’t help wondering when this had become her life. Maybe it always had been.

She and James stood in a back room. It was so different from the one they usually spent their nights in. But maybe it was good since the circumstances were so different. She listened to James talk to the sheriff on the phone. She deleted the picture of the maid’s information while he did. She had memorized the address- she could get to her if she needed to.

“I know you lied to Camila.” Teresa froze. She tried to think of what she could say or do to get out of this. Then she realized that silence was the only option. She couldn’t react- because she never had before. So she kept her face controlled and her mouth shut. “You got that maid’s information. It was the first thing you did.” He walked closer to her until there was barely any space between them. But she instinctively knew he wasn’t trying to intimidate her. That wasn’t how James operated.

“Camila will cut you loose if you get caught by the cops. She can’t cover for you- not with this. But if you tell me where to find the maid before Denny does, I can fix it.” Teresa held in a scoff, because really? He would fix it? By killing that woman. And that’s not how Teresa wanted anything to be fixed for her.

She watched his frustration grow as she stood there in silence. And it just made her angrier. He couldn’t expect her to just let him kill some innocent person. That was never going to happen. He stalked passed her to get to the door. Her arm shot out to stop him without her thinking about it. And when he spun around they were so close that she could feel the heat from his body. His eyes were dark with frustration and something about it dragged along her skin.

Then she surged forward and caught his lips with hers. She was angry and so was he. But he kissed her back- hard. His mouth was rough against hers. And the grip he had on her waist was going to leave bruises. But she wasn’t any gentler. Her hands fisted tight in his hair- tight enough to pull a hiss of pain from him. One hand left her waist and came up to grab her jaw. His grip was firm but she knew he wouldn’t leave a mark on her face. Still the sudden burn of his hand along the line of bone made her gasp.

His tongue was dancing with hers in the next second. She bit him- just because she could. Because this didn’t change anything. And she knew he felt the same because she was suddenly no longer touching the ground. He had his arm braced under her ass to hold her up even as he spun them so that her back hit the wall. Her legs wrapped around him and the jolt of want that hit her had her tearing her lips from his to catch her breath. But he wasn’t happy about that. The hand at her jaw tilted her head so he could attack the sensitive line of her throat with his tongue- teeth biting when he got to her shoulder.

Her hands let go of his hair to push at his shoulders. Even through her haze of lust and anger she recognized the way he immediately put space between them, his eyes checking that she was okay even as the frustration still burned in them. But she wasn’t stopping him. She should have been, but she wasn’t. Her hands dropped to the button of his jeans and undid it- then she was yanking his zipper down so she could get to him.

Her hand wrapped around him and she watched as his face contorted into a mask of pleasured pain. He was hard, but she wanted him harder. So she stroked him as best she could with how little space she had to move. But right when she got into a rhythm he braced her against the wall more firmly and pulled her shirt over her head. She moved to pull her arms free so she could get back to what she was doing, but he twisted the shirt just enough that her hands were caught.

“No.” His voice was deeper than she had ever heard it- raspy and dark and _wrecked_. “You’ve been fucking with me since you got here. It’s my turn.” That wasn’t what she expected. She wasn’t even sure that was what she wanted. But she didn’t fight him. Because he was right- and somehow she knew he would make this good for her.

He glanced at the door to make sure it was closed- it locked automatically. Then his hands were undoing her jeans and tugging them off her hips. He helped her get her boots off then held her securely as she kicked her jeans off of her feet. Her panties followed. Then his hand was between her legs and she knew he could feel how wet she was. The way his jaw clenched gave it away too. She brought her arms down around his neck, her shirt still keeping her from using her hands the way she wanted to.

Then his cock was pressing inside of her and she couldn’t catch her breath. She bit her lip, teeth grazing at the skin as she tried to keep from whimpering at how _good_ it felt. He went slow until he was all the way in. And he pulled out even slower. She couldn’t stop the little moan that clawed out of her throat at that. But that was the end of slow. His next thrust has hard and fast and everything. She had to adjust the grip her thighs had on him to be able to meet his pace. His head dipped to bite at her breasts through her bra. And he brought one hand to the center of her back to keep her arched into him just right.

She could feel herself getting close. And every single stroke- every single kiss, lick, bite, had her spiraling that much closer.  She tightened around him, needing to get him a fraction of as sucked in as she was. His hips stuttered, lost their rhythm for a second, and she nearly choked on air when his next thrust hit that much harder, that much deeper. Then the hand that had been at her back came around to land on her clit. He didn’t rub, he didn’t trace patterns, he just let his thumb press against it. And that- the steady pressure combined with the frantic push of his cock inside her tipped her over the edge.

He fucked her through it, holding her tighter to him until she couldn’t take the overstimulation. Her head dropped to his shoulder as he suddenly pulled out of her. He tapped her thighs so she let go of him and let her feet fall back to the floor. The concrete was cold through her socks but she didn’t care. She needed the shock to ground her- take the edge off the pleasure still coursing through her.

She leaned against the wall trying to catch her breath as James adjusted his pants and zipped up. He hadn’t come. She knew he hadn’t. But when her hand reached out to him, he stopped her. “No.” He bent and picked up her underwear and jeans and handed them to her. “Get dressed. You’re off for today. Enjoy it.” His voice was strained and his words were more clipped than usual. It made her stomach clench. But she pulled her clothes on like he told her to. She stood in front of him for a moment- waiting. But he did nothing, said nothing.

She turned and left the room.

**1x09- 1x10**

She didn’t enjoy the day off.

She spent it convincing the maid to go back to Mexico. She spent it getting ready to find the book she had left behind. Switching cars, meeting Brenda, trying not to think about how this could get her killed. She pushed the memories of dark curls and rough hands to the back of her mind. No, she didn’t enjoy her day off. But it didn’t matter- she got to Mexico.  

Then everything went to shit.

She was held hostage by the maid’s family. She was forced to make a run for her life. She ended up in the trunk of a car, knowing that she was going to die. But somehow she was still alive. And somehow she had gotten to the place where she had left the book. And by some miracle it was still there- exactly where she had left it.

Now she was here, in an apartment she had never been to before.

James was standing in the kitchen, leaning against the counter. She knew he was pissed. She knew he had every reason to tell Camila about what had been going on the past twenty-four hours. But he wasn’t. He had lied for her- told Camila the maid was dead. It was a loose end- one she was responsible for- and he was letting it slide.

She thought she knew why. But James didn’t seem like the type to let one hook-up keep him from doing his job. Teresa watched as he pushed off of the counter and came over to stand in front of her. A part of her wanted to step closer, sink into the kindness she knew he could give. But the smart side of her- the side that knew this business made liars of everyone- kept her in place.

“What happened today- it can never happen again.”

It was like the other morning never happened. It was like he had erased anything that might be considered personal between them. It was a good thing. It would make it easier for her to walk away- no attachments. So she kept her face neutral and her mouth closed.

“Did you get hurt?” She shook her head. He gave her a once over as if he could see any injuries she might be hiding underneath her clothes. “Good.” And just like that the mood changed. James’ eyes got impossibly darker. She felt herself taking a half step closer to him. “What happened the other morning…That can’t be a habit, understood?”

She took another step while she nodded. She agreed, completely. It was too dangerous- for both of them. Camila would probably force her into prostitution since Epifanio still wanted her alive. James would be demoted, or killed. It would be bad for Camila to think their loyalty was compromised. But if James was offering… Today she wouldn’t say no.

His hands went to her waist, pushing her back. Her ass hit the counter and her hands grabbed the edge before going to pull off James’ jacket. His hands stayed on her waist as his lips found hers. It felt different this time. Like he was trying to get as much of this as he could before something bad happened. His fingers pressed into her skin and Teresa pushed herself closer to him. Her hands pushed his shirt up and they separated so he could pull it off. Then her jacket was gone and her shirt, before his lips made their way to her throat.

It was _different_. Different in a way that almost scared her. Because there was more between them now- more behind the kiss than anger or meaningless lust. There was a layer of trust and concern- they had shared secrets. It still wasn’t like Guero, but it was something. And Teresa didn’t know what to feel about it. So she pushed it away. She let her nails scrape along the skin of his chest. She let her kiss turn rougher and darker. James followed her lead, only taking a moment to pull back and look at her- check in.

Then he was lifting her unto the counter and stepping into the space between her thighs. His hands roamed her sides and back before unclipping her bra and pulling it from her. He kissed his way down her throat and across her chest, nipping at her collarbone and letting his tongue sooth the sting. His left hand came up to cup her breast and his right pulled her closer, holding her secure on the edge of the counter. Then his tongue traced a line from the underside of her breast to her tightened nipple before he took it into his mouth.

Teresa’s back arched in his hand as she pressed herself closer to James, enjoying the way his tongue played with her flesh. Enjoying the firm hold his hand had on her breast and the jolt of heat that spread through her with each flick of his thumb over her nipple. Her hands grabbed on to his hair and James pulled away pressing kisses across the valley of her breast until his mouth reached the one his hand had been occupied with. His hips jerked forward reflexively when a small moan slipped past Teresa’s lips.

It reminded her that there was something else her hands could be holding on to. Leaving his curls Teresa let her hands slide down his neck to his shoulders, her grip tightening as James took her breast into his mouth. Her legs opened wider and she pressed herself closer so her core was against his abs. Her fingers trailed down to his jeans tracing the waistband as he pulled away to take her mouth again. His tongue fighting hers for dominance made her fingers fumble with getting his pants open but she did it.  And she felt a thrill at the way his hands grabbed onto her waist when she wrapped her fist around him.

She could feel his pulse in her hand as she held him. And the head of his cock left a smear of pre-come on her palm as she reached the tip. This time he didn’t stop her when she worked him with her hands. This time he moved with her, even as he held her tighter- carried her to a bedroom she barely saw. He laid her on a bed and followed her down. His hands undoing her pants, as his mouth continued to kiss and lick and bite at her. She knew she’d have marks and somehow Teresa didn’t quite mind.

She kicked her shoes off as he pulled away to tug her pants down. She had to let go of him for a moment and the whine that left her throat brought a small almost-smile to James’ lips. Her pants hit the floor, then her panties. Then James’ fingers were buried inside of her and Teresa’s back was bowing off of the bed. The way he crooked his fingers inside of her, the pace of his thrusts, it was so good. His other hand feathering along her sides and teasing her breasts- it was so _good_.

She could feel herself getting close. She could hear her breathing change and feel the tension in her legs, arms, everywhere. James kissed a path from her shoulders to her jaw before claiming her mouth. Somehow his kiss had gentled even though nothing else about what they were doing had. It made Teresa grab for the bed sheets beneath her. She was _so close…right there…_

Then his fingers were gone and she wanted to _kill_ him. Her head jerked back, breaking their kiss so she could figure out why he had stopped. But her eyes slammed shut a moment later as his cock replaced his fingers, thrusting so deep white spots danced behind her eyelids. Her legs wrapped around his waist to keep him from leaving. His head dropped to her shoulder and she couldn’t keep her arms from wrapping around his neck pulling him closer, holding him tighter.

This time he went slow. This time he worked her up. She could feel every inch of him and every inch sent electricity running through her veins. One hand dropped low on her stomach, pressing her into the bed to keep her still. The other dipped even lower, his thumb circling her clit slowly, increasing the pressure with each inward rotation. It made Teresa’s breath catch in her throat, made her stomach clench and her thighs shake. She clamped down on him, adding that much more friction to each movement James made within her.

It ruined his rhythm. His concentration broke. He drove into her fast for five strokes before he got himself back under control.  But that was all she had needed- those few moments where James’ restraint broke. Her orgasm wracked through her so hard she couldn’t see. Black spots danced in her vision and her body trembled in his arms.

He didn’t stop, he didn’t speed up. He kept the same torturously slow rhythm. And just as she was beginning to catch her breath, he came. The feeling of his release pushed her back over the edge. The deep moan he tried to bury in her neck sent aftershocks along her nerves. Her arms wrapped around him and held him to her. She needed something solid- something safe to hold on to as she came back to herself.

James’ hands went to her hips, just holding her. Then he pulled out- pulled away. Her arms fell back to the bed as she caught her breath. James stood up from the bed and walked out of the room. A moment later Teresa heard a shower come on. Then he was back. He went into a walk-in closet she hadn’t noticed before and came out with a grey sweater and a pair of sweat pants.

“Take a shower. I’ll wash your clothes. Then I’ll take you back.”

She took in the naked man in front of her. She looked at the clothes he held in his hand. Teresa slid off of the bed and took the clothes. She walked passed him and followed the sound of the shower to the bathroom. And as she washed his scent from her body and the feel of his hands from her skin, Teresa thought she should be upset. It should feel like a mistake. It should feel cold and meaningless. But it didn’t.

Because as cold as his words were, James’ eyes were warm.

**1x11- 1x12**

Nothing went the way she planned. They were supposed to find El Limpiador’s. They were supposed to trade the book for enough money to buy real papers. They were supposed to go back to Dallas together.

But nothing happened the way it was supposed to. They found that tunnel full of dead bodies. They got caught by El Limpiador’s men. He threatened Victor and Tony. He took Brenda. Nothing happened the way it was supposed to. And now she was in the back of a van with no idea where she was going.

She tried to think of a way out of this. She tried to listen and get any information she could- anything that would keep her alive. But there was nothing. Nothing but silence. Teresa was used to silence. She enjoyed silence most of the time. But not like this. It wasn’t a safe silence. It wasn’t a warm silence. It was cold and mean.

The thought was there and then gone in an instant, but it nearly knocked the breath from her lungs. _I wish James were here._ It was wrong. It was so wrong. She shouldn’t want him. She should want Guero. She should want Brenda. She should want anyone but, James. Except she was used to his silence now. And she knew he wouldn’t let anyone hurt her. Teresa had no clue when that stopped being something she hoped and became something she knew as fact. But it was. And she did- she wanted him with her right now.

Her head fell back at hit the back of the seat. She pushed the thought of James away. He couldn’t save her. She had left. She had broken the rules. She had made her choice. Whatever happened to her now, there was no James or Guero.

She had to save herself.

**1x13**

The decided to stay at El Limpiador’s for a few hours. Pote had gone inside with Camila. James was…somewhere. So Teresa sat beside Brenda’s grave. It was too shallow. It had no flowers. There was no marker. Nothing to say that her best friend was there. Nothing for Tony to visit- to say goodbye. But she couldn’t leave. The sun was setting and it felt wrong to leave her in the dark. Like they had left her in the dark- in that garage.

The day her life changed- the day she found Guero- Brenda was there. And every day since, Brenda was there. And now, because of her plan- because of her- Brenda was dead. There was no one left. No family, no friends. Guero was dead, Chino was dead. The life Teresa had before was gone. And Brenda had been her only connection- the only thing to keep that part of her alive. And she had killed it. El Limpiador had killed  it. Epifanio and his cartel, Camila and her games. They had taken everything from her.

She wanted to scream. She wanted to cry. She wanted her family back. She wanted her world to make sense again. But screaming wouldn’t help. Crying wouldn’t change anything. Her family was gone and her world was ash. So she sat. She sat in the grass. She ran her fingers through the dirt that covered her best friend’s body. She watched the sun set.

Teresa didn’t look up when she heard footsteps. She knew who it was. She didn’t blink when James sat down beside her. She didn’t want to see him. She didn’t want him there. He was part of the problem. Teresa braced herself for whatever he was going to say. She told herself not to react, not to respond. But he didn’t say anything. He just sat there.

She let out the breath she hadn’t known she was holding.

They stayed that way. No words, not touching, just breathing together- silence. Eventually the tears came- silently. She knew he knew. But he didn’t speak. He didn’t try to comfort her. She didn’t want comfort- she wanted the pain. She needed it- to remind her that she wasn’t dead too. But the silence didn’t last.

The first sob surprised her. The second made her angry. She didn’t want this. She didn’t want him to hear her pain. It was hers. And letting him hear it felt like sharing Brenda with him. So she tried to hold the rest in. She tried to keep her grief contained. But she couldn’t. Her emotions overwhelmed her body. Then she was sobbing into her hands, the dirt from Brenda’s too shallow grave mixing with her tears.

His hand moved to rest behind her. Not touching her- just there. An invitation. She fell into him. And he held her. His arms wrapped around her as she buried her face in his shoulder. And he didn’t speak. He didn’t pull her closer. He was just there.

So she cried. She cried for Guero. She cried for Brenda. She cried for her mother and father. She cried for Tony and Chino. She cried for herself. Finally, she cried for herself. Because she had lost everything to this world. Everything had been taken from her. Her blood, her tears, her sweat. Pieces of her soul that she could never get back. Parts of her mind that could never see or hear or feel or smell something without it reminding her of pain and loss.

And James just held her.

She was in his lap before she had thought about it. His arms stayed wrapped around her but she could see that same look in his eyes he had given her all the other times she had done this. “Teresa.” He shook his head slightly in exasperation. But she didn’t care.  His hand came up and brought her forehead to press again his. “You’re emotional. You’re not thinking clearly.”

Her hands rested on his chest as he held her.  She just wanted to stop hurting. She wanted to feel better. She wanted to feel safe again. Her head dropped to his shoulder again and she let out a shuddery sigh as James held her tighter. “Please, James.” She felt him tense for a moment before he pressed a kiss to her hair. It made something tight inside of her loosen a little.

James shifted so he could lay Teresa down on the grass. He kept one arm beneath her like a pillow, his hand resting on her shoulder. The other hand worked its way down her body. He undid the button of her jeans and pulled down the zipper. She lifted her hips and pushed them down a little. Just enough so he could reach where she wanted him.

His fingers slipped into her panties and Teresa’s breath caught. There wasn’t much room, but she knew he wouldn’t leave her exposed that way while they were outside. So she shifted her legs a little wider. His index finger trailed along her folds, not rushing, just there.  Then he pressed in a little to trace her slit as his head dropped to the curve of her shoulder.

She could feel her heart beating faster. Her breathing was harsher. His middle finger found her entrance and pressed in- just enough for her to clamp down on something. Enough to make her want more. “James…” she whispered. She felt him let out a small sigh. Then he pushed in a little more before pulling back out. After a moment or two of teasing he found a rhythm, easing in and out of her slowly. She was so wet, and he felt so good already.

Then he let his index finger join the other inside her. He stretched her walls even as he pushed deeper inside of her. Her hand came up to grab on to his arm. His mouth started leaving hot, open-mouth kisses from her shoulder and up to the line of her jaw. His thumb found her clit and she gasped, her thighs pressing together at how good it felt.

“Relax.”

She did, letting her thighs fall apart again. Her back arching upward as James’ fingers moved faster and deeper, curing up into her as he slid out. His thumb tracing circle and triangles, drawing lines back and forth. It took her to the edge almost too quickly. Then it kept her there, hanging on the edge until her breathing was shallow and her chest was heaving. Her legs were trembling and her grip on James’ arm got tighter and tighter.

He flicked across her clit. His fingers brushed against her walls just right. His mouth found hers. The feel of his lips on hers shook her. She clenched down on his fingers adding to the friction his fingers were giving her. And she came. She came in waves, each stronger than the one before. It was like all of the pain and the hurt just melted away from her as James brought her over the edge.  She dragged air into her lungs, James’ fingers still moving within her until she had calmed back down.

Then he laid down, pulling Teresa on top of him. Her face buried itself in his neck. His hands wrapped around her. It reminded her of that first midnight drive. The way he had held her after her nightmare. She turned her head to look at him. He was already looking at her. It was too dark to see each other, but that was alright. She wasn’t sure she could handle what she might see in that moment. James tilted his chin up just a little- enough so his lips touched hers for a second.

“Get some sleep, Teresa.”

They both knew she wouldn’t, but she closed her eyes anyway.

 


	2. Season 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Season 2 was not very good for adding sex scenes, but I tried. There are some little moments for her and James- both good and bad. Hope you like it!

**2x01**

She sat on a bench beside Rolando Rios’ memorial.

Her mind went over the day. Getting back to Dallas, becoming Camila’s ‘partner’, the meet with King George- it had been a lot. Teresa knew that things would be different now that she had given Camila the book. She knew that she was putting herself further into this life that she didn’t really want. But Rolando Rios was dead because of her. Because she wanted to be secure in this world. She had traded his life as part of a business deal.

She stared at the candles casting a soft glow along the fence. Flowers and pictures, teddy bears all left to remember a loved one. Brenda didn’t have that. Brenda- who Teresa had loved so much- only had a hole in the ground. She was buried on the same land she had been killed on. And that was Teresa’s fault, too. She had told Brenda to come to Dallas. She had been the one to tell her about the book. And she had convinced her best friend to leave her son and go to El Limpiador’s.

She had to tell Tony. Her eyes stung with tears at the thought. Tony was her god-son. She had been there the day he was born. And now she had to tell him his mother was never coming back to him. She couldn’t think about that now. She couldn’t think about any of it. Camila would wonder where she was.

Standing up from the bench, Teresa walked to the end of the parking lot. James was leaning against the driver’s door smoking. He wasn’t wearing sunglasses for once. And he must have put his leather jacket in the car. She looked away from him. She could still feel the way he’d held her while she cried a few moments ago.

She hated that he had seen her so vulnerable. She hated that he always seemed to see her when she was vulnerable. It was dangerous- relying on him. It was stupid to trust him. Because he was still very much loyal to Camila. He could turn on her at any time. He could use all of her vulnerabilities against her. And just because she didn’t think he would, didn’t make it true.

She walked around to the passenger’s side and got in. She kept her head turned to the window as he got in and started the car. His thumb was tapping against the steering wheel the way it did when he wanted to say something. She hoped he didn’t. She hoped he just stayed quiet this time. He did.

They drove in silence and it let Teresa’s mind go back to King George’s boat. The man was crazy. And he wasn’t what she expected at all. But he was smart. Teresa could see the intelligence behind his ridiculous behavior. And he was dangerous. The weapons that his crew had been playing with were not cheap- they had a lot of power. And he handled them all with ease. But if this relationship progressed, Teresa knew that Camila could expand to a lot farther than just Dallas.

And if Camila succeeded, Teresa succeeded.

The car slowed down and Teresa brought her attention to where they were. She could just make out Camila’s safe house in the distance. She turned to face James as he parked the car. “Why are you stopping?” His hand was resting over the steering wheel, his thumb rubbing along his fingers. She had seen him do that before when he wasn’t sure about something.

“What you’re doing, with Camila, it’s not gonna be easy.” Teresa almost rolled her eyes. She knew this. Today had shown her that already. But James kept talking. “She’s going to make you do things- things you won’t like. Things worse than Rios. So just prepare yourself.”

He looked at her for a long moment then turned away. He put the car back in gear and pulled off. Teresa watched him, trying to figure out why he was telling her this. She knew they had an understanding. She felt a connection to him that she shouldn’t feel. But there were plenty of other people he could be saying this to. He could have stayed at the safe house until she came back. He didn’t have to do any of the things that he did for her. So why did he?

He stopped in the driveway to let her out. She opened her door and stepped out, but she didn’t leave. She turned around to look at him. One hand held the wheel, the other rubbed slowly along his chin. Whatever moment they’d had- whatever concern he’d felt- it was gone now. “Thank you, James.” His hand dropped to the armrest as he gave her a slow nod. His eyes held something in them, but it was too dark for her to make out what it was. Still, she knew he understood.

She closed the door and went inside the house. Pote was at the window, arms folded as he watched James park the car. He didn’t say anything so she didn’t either. She started for the stairs. “Be careful, Teresita.” Teresa paused as she made her way to the stairs. She looked back at him. His eyes were on her now, but she couldn’t read his expression.

The door leading to the garage closed and Teresa’s eyes glanced toward it. She could hear James’ footsteps in the kitchen. Then she turned back to Pote. He had turned back to the window. She started back up the steps. Went to her room. Laid down on the bed.

She fell asleep with James’ words circling her mind.

**2x02**

The drive back to Camila’s was quiet. Teresa knew James was worried about her. She knew he could see that she had been crying. But he didn’t ask. And she couldn’t explain. She could barely understand it herself. Her eyes welled up again and she had to blink back tears. Guero was alive. He was alive and he was in Dallas. She had seen him- touched him, kissed him. He was alive and she felt so much.

It was what she had dreamed of in her cage at night. It was what she had wished for every single morning when she opened her eyes. Just one more moment with him. One more day, to hold him and love him. And now she had that, but it was all wrong. She couldn’t just bask in happiness and relief. There was so much more to it than that.

He had left her. He had left her behind. Everything that had happened to her- didn’t have to. None of it had to happen. But he had made a choice. He made the decision to leave her behind. And now Epifanio was chasing her. She had lived in a warehouse in a cage. She had almost been turned into a prostitute. She was a drug mule. She had _killed_ people.

Brenda was _dead._

Gato had…

All because he lied. All because Guero chose the DEA- chose to save himself. And now he was here. Now he was back and all of her grief was for nothing. The pain she felt when she got the call was for nothing. The ache in her chest that had only started to fade a little… He did that to her for _nothing_.

But she had pushed through. She had survived. She had found a way to save herself because he wasn’t there. And now, right as she was finding her place with Camila… Right as she was finding stable ground- he came back into her life. And he was a rat. There was no way out of this for him. Camila would kill him if she found out. And kill her too for knowing he was alive.

She looked over at the man beside her. He would be the one to do it. James would kill Guero. James would kill _her._ And for some reason, that bothered her almost as much as the idea of dying. James had protected her from the day they met. He had lied for her, covered for her with Camila. He had been there for her when Guero had been… She didn’t even know what he had been doing. He just wasn’t with _her._

“Teresa…”

She realized she had been staring. She turned her eyes back to the dark road. She needed a plan. She needed to figure out how to handle everything she had learned tonight. Because underneath the anger and hurt, Teresa wasn’t sure she could handle Guero dying again. And he would- if Camila found out, he would die.

“Did someone do something to you back there?”

He let out a deep sigh when he realized she wasn’t going to answer. His thumb started tapping the wheel again. So Teresa waited for him to say whatever he wasn’t saying. He never did. Instead he turned the wheel sharply. It caught her off guard and for a moment she thought they were being followed. But when she glanced behind her there was no one there. She turned back around to face him. “I thought we had to go back.”

“This won’t take long.” She stared at him confused for another moment before settling back into her seat. He was right- it didn’t take long to get where they were going. James stopped the car five minutes later and Teresa looked around. They were in front of a large fountain. Stone wolves were running in a circle with two wolves facing opposite directions at the top. James got out of the car and Teresa followed his lead.

The sound of the water was soothing. And the lights that illuminated the fountain were just bright enough to see without being overwhelming in the dark. Teresa walked to the edge and dipped her fingers in the cool water. She turned to look at James. He was still at the car, back against the hood. His eyes weren’t on her, but he was watching her. It made her feel safe and trapped at the same time. He always seemed to have that effect.

But lately she had felt more safe than trapped.

Her eyes went back to the water. Slowly she walked along the edge of the fountain, fingers skimming the water as she went. Her mind let go of Guero and Camila- it let go of business and all the things that could go wrong. She took a deep breath and thought of Tony- how he would love the wolves. She thought of Brenda and the time she had tried to convince Chino that they should have a miniature fountain in their bedroom.

By the time she got back to the front, Teresa felt like maybe she could find a way to survive this new situation with Guero. Maybe she could navigate Camila’s world. She pulled her hand from the water and shook the droplets from her fingers. James was still where he had been, cigarette in one hand. She walked up to him and he handed it to her. She didn’t smoke much- but it was something familiar. The smell and taste, the feel of the cigarette between her fingers- it all held a sense of comfort. She took a deep drag and handed it back.

“Are you still trying to keep me sane?”

James flicked ash onto the ground. His head slowly turned towards her. She kept her eyes on the fountain. He didn’t say anything for a long while. And when he turned and walked to his door she didn’t think he would. But as she settled in her seat his hand paused in starting the car.

“You don’t need me to.”

She reached out her hand to stop him from turning the ignition. She unfastened her seatbelt. He was already shaking his head. She climbed over the armrest, not missing the way James cringed when her heels dug into the leather seat. She sat with her knees on either side of him and put her hands on his shoulders.

He looked up at her. She looked down at him. “Why tonight?” It was a valid question, but Teresa didn’t answer. She settled more firmly onto his lap and his hands came to rest on her hips. His forehead dropped to rest on her shoulder and she felt him shake his head gently. “Teresa…” But that was all he said. Then they just…stayed that way: his head on her shoulder, her arms wrapped around him, quiet.

His phone rang, but they didn’t move until it stopped.

Then he pulled away- she got back in her seat.

They drove back to Camila’s and pretended that the last thirty minutes never happened.

**2x03**

She hadn’t wanted to go to Guero. She hadn’t wanted to deal with him and what he meant. It made her feel guilty. And angry for feeling guilty. She hadn’t left him. She had stayed and did everything he said. She shouldn’t feel guilty. But she did. Because she had wanted to stay at Camila’s- the woman who would kill him simply for being alive.

She had wanted to stay in the kitchen with James.

It was getting harder to see him as just the guy who had helped Camila hold her hostage. She hadn’t let herself think about him as more than that. Even when she was trying to fuck him- even after he let her. Guero had been too fresh in her mind and heart. Her mistrust and need to survive had overridden anything else except temporary pleasure.

But now Guero was back and it made her see things differently. It made her see James differently. He had helped her with Tony instead of telling Camila. He had let that militia take him to give her a chance to escape. She had barely been able to see clearly- he would have been better off leaving her behind. But he didn’t. He was in just as much danger as she was and he didn’t leave her behind.

Guero kept saying he had no choice. He kept saying things didn’t have to change. But they already had. She had changed. She had to change. To survive- to stay sane. She couldn’t be the person that he had left in bed that last day. She couldn’t go back to the woman she was before that phone call. She didn’t want to.

But she couldn’t let him go either. She couldn’t walk away, because she still loved him- so much. And she had missed him every day. She wanted what they had back- as much of it as she could get. But it couldn’t be on his terms anymore. She couldn’t place her life in his hands this time. She couldn’t put her life in anyone’s hands but her own.

She stared at the ceiling of her room. Her mind was too full of Guero. She had to focus on something else. Because she still needed to find her place in this business. She had to prove that she was capable of running things with Camila. But even business was affected by Guero. The DEA was using him to get to Camila. And there was only so much he could do to keep them from interfering.

It was such a mess. She ran her hands over her face trying to let go of some of the stress she felt. Her fingers pressed against her eyelids. Too much could go wrong. One slip, one wrong word and everything she was trying to balance could collapse around her. She could lose everything- again.

A knock at her door had her hands falling to her sides. She didn’t want to talk to anyone. She didn’t want to see anyone. But she couldn’t ignore them. Too much was happening with the business right now. “Come in.” She sat up in the bed, feet falling to the floor. She hadn’t expected any particular person but she was still surprised when James walked in.

It was like they were reliving the other night- the night he said they were in this together. He stood just inside the door and she was at the bed. But tonight there was a hint of something in his eyes. It made her nervous- like he as seeing more than she wanted him to. “You been doing alright?”

The tension that had formed in her neck released a little. “Yeah. Just tired.” It was true. They had left for the border early. They had walked a lot. She had been stung by a scorpion. They had been taken by a militia and then blown up a cartel tunnel. All of that had left her exhausted before she left to meet with Guero.

That was a different kind of exhaustion.

James took a step closer to her. His head tilted to the side. “You sure?” She nodded. “Okay. Get some rest. Tomorrow should be an easy day.” She felt a smile pressing at her lips. There was no such thing as an easy day in this business. They both knew that. He turned to leave and Teresa felt something like panic.

“James?” He paused with his hand on the doorknob. “Can we go somewhere?” He looked back at her over his shoulder. Teresa knew he was confused. She never asked him for anything. She never even mentioned the drives he let her take. Camila had given her a car tonight, but it felt like another cage- another string tying her to Camila. The drives with James felt like an escape and she needed that.

He nodded towards the hallway and she let her smile show. She slipped her shoes on and followed him out of her room and down to the garage. Pote was in the kitchen. He stood up to follow her but she shook her head. “Teresita?” She could hear the distrust in his voice. And his confusion was clear on his face.

She stopped in front of the door. James was already at the car. “I’ll be back. Don’t worry.” She rested her hand on his arm for a moment before turning and walking out the door. James tossed her the keys and went around to the passenger’s side. “How long do we have?” He rolled his eyes as he got in the car.

“Drive until you run out of gas.”

So she did. The sun was just rising when they got back. James pulled into the garage and turned the car off. Teresa had put her seat back to lie down when they switched places, but she hadn’t slept. She had turned on the radio and found a station she liked. Then she had just watched James while he drove. He could have taken her straight back to Camila’s but he didn’t- he took the long way. They didn’t talk- they never did. And it was good. It was what she had needed.

Now sitting in the garage James shifted in his seat to face her properly. “Whatever’s going on isn’t gonna go away by driving all night.” She let her eyes drift to the roof of the car. “I meant what I said, you know.” _We’re in this together._ Her eyes slid closed- she couldn’t rely on that. Not with this.

“I’m just tired.”

She opened her eyes. James stared at her for a long moment. Then he opened his door and got out. The kitchen door opened and Pote stepped out, gun raised. Teresa watched as James shook his head in annoyance and brushed past the other man. Sitting up, she got out of the car and moved to the door. Pote blocked her, arms crossed over his chest, and Teresa sighed. She had been relaxed a minute ago. Now she could feel the tension that had left during her drive rising again.

“Where were you, Teresa? And why were you with him?”

She rolled her eyes. “We went for a drive. It’s…something we do.” Pote grunted, but didn’t move. And suddenly she was just so angry. And she knew it was more than Pote. She knew it was Camila and Epifanio, the DEA and Guero. She knew it was all the anger she had been feeling for months now. “I don’t answer to you.” Pote’s arms fell to his sides at her tone. “What I do with my time is my business.” She pushed past him and into the house.

And just like that all of the stress and anger and pain she had been trying to forget was back.

**2x04**

She knew he would show up that night. She knew as soon as Camila had closed her door that he would be at hers. She didn’t even look up when her door opened suddenly.

“You knew.” The door closed and then he was right in front of her, dropping to his knees in front of her. “You knew he was alive.” She kept her eyes trained on the floor. She couldn’t look at him. She knew keeping quiet was the wrong call, but she couldn’t be sorry. James shook his head. “How long?”

She glanced at him for a second. His eyes were fixed on a spot over her shoulder. His expression was completely blank- like the first time they met. “At Cole Van Awken’s party.” He stood back up and walked to the door. “I knew Camila would kill him.”

He scoffed. “Yeah, because he’s a fucking rat. Because he’s been giving information about our operation to the Feds.” His hand came up to run down his face. She could see how upset he was. She could see how hard he was trying to keep calm. She didn’t know when she had started recognizing those things- or caring. “Look, we go to Bolivia. We see if his connect checks out. After that it’s not your call.”

She thought of Guero in the basement. She thought of the months she spent thinking he was dead. She couldn’t leave it to Camila. She couldn’t just let him die. But she couldn’t put this on James either. He had given her a chance to tell him. He had put himself out there for her. This wasn’t his mess to clean up- it was hers.

She stood up, going to stand in front of James. Her hands lifted and pushed his jacket from his shoulders. His hands wrapped around her wrists. Teresa paused, eyes meeting James’. She slowly pulled free of his grasp. Her hands went to the hem of his shirt, slowly pushing it up and off. His eyes never left hers. She shrugged her cardigan off and let it fall. Then she unbuttoned her shirt and slipped it off.

James’ hand reached over and locked the door. Her hands went to undo her pants but he pushed them aside to do it himself. Then he guided her to the bed by her hips. James’ head dipped down to be even with hers, his lips mere inches from hers. “Tell me this isn’t about him.” Her breathing stopped for a second. James noticed. He pulled back- more than physically. But her hands wrapped around his arms before he could move too much further.

“It’s not.”

He looked at her for a long moment- trying to see if she was lying. She didn’t blame him. But she wasn’t lying either. Then his lips were on hers and her hands were in his hair. He pushed her pants down her hips. He broke the kiss, eyes finding hers as he laid her down so he could pull her pants off. Then his hands were roaming up her body, fingers dragging along her skin.

Her hands went to the button of his jeans and undid it; she unzipped him like she had done too many times before. His arms wrapped around her- one hand pressed to the small of her back, the other cupping the nape of her neck. His lips pressed against the space beneath her bellybutton. Then he kissed a circle around it. Then higher and higher until her hands were fisting in his curls and his mouth was taking turns teasing her breasts.

Teresa’s legs were locked around his waist, keeping her pressed against him just right. His hands were making a slow trip down her body, fingers tracing over her collarbones, thumbs brushing her hardened nipples. He reached her hips, nipping the top of her breast as his hands yanked her closer to the edge of the bed. Closer to him. She let out a surprised gasp and she felt him smile against her skin.

Then his hands were gone and she had to let him go for a moment as he stripped off the last of his clothes. His fingers caught the hem of her panties and pulled them off her, too. She wrapped her fingers around the length of him, tugging gently on his cock as his head fell back and his eyes slammed shut. She had never paid attention to the way he looked during sex. It hadn’t mattered. But she looked now. She took in the way he would bite his lower lip. She saw the way he took deep breaths to take the edge off whatever he was feeling.

His eyes opened again and he looked down at her. His eyes were so dark and heated that she felt her free hand sliding between her legs- fingers trying to ease the want she was feeling at seeing him this way. But her movement brought him to attention. He leaned over- one hand tangled in her hair, tilting her head up for his kiss. The other pulled her hand away and took its place- fingers moving the same way hers had been. It felt so good. It felt like she was the center of his world in that moment- the safest she could ever be.

Her heart sped up for a different reason. She didn’t want that. She couldn’t want that. She pushed against his shoulders and James pulled away. His face was neutral, but she knew he was checking in- making sure she was okay. “Not like this.” He didn’t even blink- just stood up and took a step away from the bed. Teresa grabbed his hand and pulled him to the side on the bed. He got the idea- sitting up against the headboard.

Then she crawled over him until she was straddling him- like she had done too many times before. “You good?” She nodded- took a deep breath- nodded again. His hands went to her hair this time, fingers running through her curls. He didn’t touch an inch of her skin and she felt relieved. It had been too much. It had been too heavy- what she was feeling. What he was making her feel.

She took the base of his cock in her hand. His jaw clenched as she tightened her grip and stroked him. But his hands stayed in her curls. She sank down on him- breath catching in her throat at how thick he was, at how good he felt inside of her. Her head fell back as she took all of him in. It took her a few seconds to notice, but- he wasn’t breathing. She lifted her head back up to see him clearly. His eyes were closed and his jaw was tight. She shifted her hips to see his reaction. All the air left his lungs and his eyes flew open- the hand in her hair tightening around her curls.

She set a steady pace. Slow, painfully slow. It didn’t take long before her thighs were burning. Finally his hands found their way to her hips. She expected him to guide her movements, make her go faster, but he didn’t. He let her take the lead. That made her speed up. Her hips worked faster, sparks sliding up her spine. His lips went to her neck, her chest, her shoulders. Kissing, biting, licking at whatever skin he could reach. His hands found her breasts again teasing and plying them until she couldn’t catch her breath from how good it all felt.

She felt his hold on her tighten. She felt his breathing become shaky and fast. The electricity in her veins was sparking along her nerves and sizzling under her skin. It was too much. It was too good and too deep and too much. She dropped her head to his shoulder, teeth sinking into the muscle as she came. His hips kept moving- keeping her climax from ending- sending new sparks through her body as he finally finished.

He kept his arms wrapped around her as she finally came back to herself. His fingers tracing patterns across her shoulder blades. But even after he pulled out, she didn’t let go. Her arms stayed tight around him shoulders. Her breathing went shaky. “Teresa?” She pressed her face into his neck. She couldn’t let him go. Tears stung her eyes. She felt too much. She couldn’t explain it, but she felt it. And she didn’t know how to stop.

She fell asleep like that- wrapped in James’s arms, feeling things she didn’t understand.

**2x05- 2x06**

Teresa had hoped that everything with El Santo would go smoothly. For Guero’s sake more than for the business. But it hadn’t gone that way. Nothing had gone right in Bolivia. From the moment they left the airport in La Paz. The tension between James and Guero had been suffocating. Teresa hadn’t realized how easy things were between her and James. They had a flow, an ease with each other that came from having to trust each other in order to survive. Adding Guero threw off the rhythm.

James didn’t trust Guero. He didn’t like him or respect him. Teresa could see that clearly. She knew that when James looked at Guero he saw a rat that had stolen from his family and left Teresa to deal with the mess. She knew he thought about the warehouse being blown and the shipments of product they had lost. But she also knew he saw her- the way she had been her first night in Dallas, all the times she couldn’t sleep without him bringing her drugged coffee, the way she had been the night before they left for Bolivia. It spoke to a loyalty that Teresa wasn’t sure she wanted from James.

Guero just wanted her to forgive him. He wanted things to go back to the way they were. He wanted her to forget everything she had been through because he was back now. But she couldn’t- as much as she wished she could sometimes. And he was jealous. She could see it when he looked at James. The way James spoke to her, the way he looked out for her- it annoyed Guero.

But if that had been the only problem in Bolivia, Teresa would have been happy. Except it wasn’t. There was La Capitana, and Leo. There had been the fact that she had almost overdosed in that coke bar. El Dentista. The ambush. And finally, El Santo himself. Teresa had been afraid before. But there was not a single moment during the trip where the fear let go of her.

She stared at the ceiling of King George’s boat. Her mind going over everything she had seen and done. She could still feel La Capitana’s blood on her even though she had showered as soon as she reached the boat. She could still see Leo floating lifeless in the pool. El Santo’s little Angel- her hand outstretched towards Teresa. She saw El Santo’s sanctuary- bodies draining as a blood sacrifice.

She saw Guero shot on El Camino de la Muerte. She saw James, bleeding in her arms- dying from Guero’s bullet. _‘There is a Judas among you.’_ She saw herself- rock in her hand- La Capitana’s blood on her face and hands. Teresa ran her hands across her face and tried to steady her breathing. She sat up even though her body screamed for her to rest. But her mind wouldn’t stop and she couldn’t lie there anymore.

She stood and went to the door of her room. George had originally offered the room for her and James to share. She had been too tired to be embarrassed, James hadn’t responded at all, but Guero… Teresa had never seen him look at someone the way he had looked at James. James had opened the door for her without saying anything. Then he had closed it behind her. She heard him through the door telling George he’d take a separate room.

Now, as she stepped into the hallway, she wished he had stayed with her. She could still feel his blood on her hands. Or maybe it was La Capitana’s. She looked down the hall and saw him. James was sitting on the floor, legs stretched out in front of him. His back was pressed against the wall opposite from her room.

“Go to sleep, Teresa”

She walked over and sat down beside him, her legs out in front of her. “What do we tell Camila?” His eyes shifted to meet hers for a second before going back to the spot he had been staring at. He shrugged. Teresa noticed that his gun was resting in his lap, safety off. “Did George’s men do something?” she asked, nodding towards the gun. His eyes went to a door further down the hall. He shook his head. _Guero._

“Why are you up?”

She leaned her head back to rest against the wall. “Why are you?” He didn’t answer. She had known he wouldn’t. It was becoming both more and less surprising how well she knew this man. He didn’t say much, he didn’t show much, but somehow she could still see the changes in him. She still knew what the changes meant.

The door James had been watching opened and Teresa turned her head to see Guero step out. He didn’t seem surprised to see James. _They’ve done this before_. But then he saw her and his entire demeanor changed. It went from annoyance at James to surprise, then suspicion, and finally that charming smile she had fallen in love with. Teresa watched as he walked over to them and stood against the wall facing them. “Babe, come back to my room. You need to sleep.” James’s finger twitched against the barrel of his gun. Guero didn’t notice. Teresa did. She didn’t move.

“I’m okay, Guero.”

She watched his eyes leave her and slide to James. Glancing at the man beside her, Teresa saw James was staring back at Guero wearing the same neutral expression she was so used to seeing. “Yeah, well at least come back to my room. I don’t like you in there with him sitting out here.” Teresa’s head whipped back around to face Guero.

“Guero. Back off.”

His face turned into a mask of hurt confusion. “Babe…” But Teresa shook her head. He didn’t get to say things like that. He didn’t get to disrespect James that way. He hadn’t been there. He hadn’t seen how much James had looked out for her- how much he was still looking out for her. “You’re really defending him right now? After everything he’s put you through”

James scoffed beside her, but didn’t say anything. “You don’t know what you’re talking about, Guero. Stop it.” But James was already standing up. His thumb flicked the safety on and off as he held his hand out to help her up. He dropped her hand as soon as she was on her feet.

“We all need to get some sleep. Camila’s gonna want to know everything as soon as we’re back.” Teresa could hear the anger behind James’ indifferent tone. She turned to face him, not sure what she would say or if she should say anything. But he just pressed his gun into her hand. “Lock your door.” Then he stepped around her and into the room next to hers.

“Pinche cabrón.” Teresa looked at Guero. He turned from glaring at the door James had disappeared behind to smile at her. He held his hand out. “Come on babe. We don’t have to sleep.” But Teresa shook her head. She couldn’t be around him right now. Not when he was being like this.

She turned and went back to her room, James’ gun held tight in her hand.

She locked the door.

**2x07**

Teresa sat staring out the window. The plane had been in the air for a few minutes, but the sun was already setting. It looked so different from so high. The reddish-orange of the clouds. The peace that came from being so high above the world. She could almost relax. She could almost breathe.

Camila had gone to the private room at the back of the plane. She left Teresa, Pote, James, and Guero to settle in the large seats at the front of the plane. Pote was behind Teresa, she could hear him shuffling a deck of cards every now and then. Guero was asleep in the seat across the aisle from her. And James…he was sitting opposite her, but he hadn’t looked at her once. She couldn’t help but wonder where his mind was.

But that was none of her business. And she had more things to worry about. Like Camila’s stunt with El Santo. Teresa wasn’t sure what to think of the information she had learned today. Camila had been willing to use her daughter to manipulate Epifanio. It made Teresa wonder if there was any line the woman wouldn’t cross for power- to save herself.

Her eyes went back to James. She thought of the things he had done to keep her out of harm’s way. He had known her for a few months but he had been protecting her since the first day. He had been putting himself at risk weeks after they met. James was loyal. But Camila… She expected loyalty but didn’t return it. And her need for control was the only thing she could see. It was dangerous. A weakness.

Teresa looked over at Guero. _‘Everyone has a weakness, Teresa.’_ She knew he couldn’t stay. She knew that it was only a matter of time before Camila had him killed. But she couldn’t leave. She was building something here. She didn’t want to run anymore. She was tired of running- from the cartel, from her past. It had only led her to worse problems.

But she didn’t want to lose him again. She had spent months with the ache of missing him. They had wasted so much time that they could never get back. She didn’t want that again. But Guero was a fugitive. Someone would always be after him. And she didn’t want to spend her life looking over their shoulders- waiting for someone to kick the door in and drag him away.

James shifted in his seat and Teresa turned her attention to him. His thumb was rubbing along his fingers as he gazed out the window. His eyes caught hers for a moment before he shifted in his seat to face her. “I never thanked you.” James’ lips dipped into a frown. “For not killing Guero in Bolivia.” She watched James’ face completely shut down. “I know Camila wanted you to.”

He ran his hand down his face with a sniff before he nodded and looked back out the window. Teresa took in the new tension in his shoulders. She saw the way his thumb moved faster across his fingers. She glanced at Guero’s sleeping form again. Teresa wasn’t stupid. And she wasn’t blind. She knew that James cared about her. And after Bolivia- after her…vision…she knew she cared about him, too. But she didn’t know how to accept that.

Because when she looked at Guero she still felt love.

Even if she didn’t feel safe.

**2x08**

The meet with Devon Finch went well. They would sit down to negotiate a deal soon. Teresa couldn’t help thinking that things could have gone much worse than they did. Devon could have killed them all for selling product on his territory. It would have been a smart move- show others what happens when you forget your place. And Devon was smart. But it was smarter to keep a supply line open when El Santo’s product was on the table. And Devon knew that, too.

Teresa wondered if this new distributor would be the boost that Camila needed for her business to finally be free of Epifanio’s influence. She wondered if it could really thrive instead of just barely surviving. Because if not, then Teresa had sacrificed too much of herself. If this didn’t work, Camila would have truly taken everything from her.

“They gave him a bunch of meds, but the Cabrón won’t take ‘em.”

Teresa sat up straighter in her chair. They had brought James to a hotel on the other side of town. Camila had hired a private doctor to see to his injuries. She had wanted to go to him, to make sure he was alright, but he wouldn’t let her.

He had let Pote in.

She looked at the man who had just taken the seat beside her. James didn’t trust him with Camila, but Pote had his respect. And Pote didn’t trust James with her, but Teresa knew he respected him, too. They were a lot more similar than they would admit. It made Teresa smile a little. “Will he be alright?”

Pote gave her that heavy stare she was getting used to. It held so many things- she just didn’t know what. “Si, Teresita. He’ll be fine.” She bit her lip and nodded. “Where did Guero go?” Teresa felt that slice of pain in her chest again. The one she had felt when she saw Guero again for the first time. The one she felt when he walked away at the airport.

“I don’t know.” Pote let out a huff. She knew he was glad. She knew that everyone would be glad he was gone. And a part of her was glad too. But it was covered by how much she wanted him next to her. “El Santo will be wanting another payment soon. We need Devon to agree to our terms.” Pote’s eyes never left her, and Teresa forced herself to meet his stare.

“Claro, Teresa, claro. Our product is too good. He won’t say no.” He finally looked away from her and Teresa fought not to show her relief. “You should go see him.” He nodded in the direction of James’ room.

Teresa remembered seeing him- tied up and bloody, Cortez electrocuting him. She remembered the way her heart stopped when she realized that the Feds had him. She thought of the night before Bolivia. For those reasons she shouldn’t go. She should stay here and keep her distance. But she stood up instead. “Goodnight Pote.”

“Goodnight, Teresita.”

She walked to the door of James’ room and knocked lightly. He didn’t answer, but she went in anyway. She closed the door behind her as she took in the man in front of her. He sat with his back against the headboard. The blood had been cleaned from his face and he was wearing a new shirt. He looked pale and tired. She had never really seen James look tired before.

“You were going to run.”

He wasn’t even looking at her. His eyes were on his phone, thumb scrolling every few seconds. She took a step closer. “How do you feel?” His jaw tightened and she watched the muscle tense and release. She knew what it felt like against her fingers. “Did they give you pain meds?” He typed something out.

“How did it go with Devon?” Teresa waited for him to look up. He didn’t. He kept his eyes on his screen.

“James.”

“Is he willing to talk terms?” She nodded. “Good. We need to move this product. El Santo’s gonna want payment soon.” He typed something else. Then he put his phone on the comforter beside him. He took a deep breath. Then finally, he looked at her. Eyes blank, face empty. He had shut her out completely. “If you’re gonna leave then do it.”

The door opened behind her and the doctor came in.

She slipped passed him, leaving James watching her as she went.

**2x09- 2x10**

_‘You chose Guero. I chose Camila.’_

She kept pushing that thought aside. Because everything else was going wrong. Everything else could get her killed or in prison. Camila had played her. Camila had been playing her. El Santo wanted payment. KellyAnn had killed her husband. And it was all too much. There was too much to think about and work through and fix.

_‘I work with Camila. You work for her.’_

Had she really said that? Had she really been stupid enough to believe it? There was no working _with_ Camila. Camila didn’t understand the concept of partnership. And the papers for the trawler company being in Teresa’s name and not Camila’s just proved it. It proved that every choice she had made for Camila was the wrong one. Because she should never have trusted her in the first place.

She had saved Camila. More than once, Teresa had been the reason that her business didn’t go under. She had gotten her away from the men Cortez sent. She had kept Cortez from killing her. Teresa had made the deal with El Santo that was keeping product flowing. But Camila didn’t care about anyone but herself. Her own power was all she could see.

So James’ anger couldn’t matter. And Guero being gone couldn’t matter. Camila couldn’t matter. Teresa had to keep herself alive. She had to keep Tony safe. She had to get KellyAnn out. Because once again, she had to rely on herself. Once again she couldn’t trust anyone else to save her.  She was making a new choice now. Not Camila or Guero or anyone else. She was choosing to stay alive. She was choosing to be smarter than her enemies. She was choosing herself.

**2x11**

The hurt had stopped. It had been sharp and staggering for a moment. But then it had faded. And anger had taken its place. He lied to her. He used her. He used _Tony._ She had believed him when he said they were in it together. She had trusted him when he said he wanted to help Tony. But it had just been another way to keep tabs on her. A weakness he could exploit when he needed to.

_‘I can fix this. I’ll protect you.’_

She had believed that too- believed he meant it. But it was all just to keep Camila happy. She should have known better. She did know better. This business- this world- it didn’t leave anything decent inside a person. James had just made her think that he was different.

But that was over now. Now she had to make her next move. Camila had the product and the money she owed El Santo. And there was no way she would give up either without a fight. She had the men- she had James. And Teresa only had Pote.

She reached for her phone, the clock telling her exactly how late it was. But George would be awake. And Devon, too probably. She would need them. She would need their support and their business otherwise she would have nothing and no one. Her hand slipped and she ended up in the ‘L’ contacts. She thought of Lil’ T. The girl was smart. And her family had connections and muscle. Muscle Teresa would need to get what was owed to her. Her thumb hovered over the girl’s name. She couldn’t afford any more missteps. She wouldn’t let Camila or James or anyone else play her again.

She hit ‘Call’.

**2x12**

The sun was rising and she hadn’t slept yet. The shootout at the train yard had lasted longer than Teresa expected. Making sure all of the product was there had taken time, too. She was exhausted. She was angry. She was hurt. She shouldn’t be. She should be happy that she could be free of Camila. She should be relieved that she had gotten the coke from James. But she couldn’t find it in her.

_‘I don’t want to fight against you.’_

She had meant that. Even after all the ways James had played her, she still meant it. She didn’t want to fight him. She didn’t want to be the one he held his gun on. They had never been that. She had never thought they would be that way. So standing in that bus with her gun on him and his on her…

But he wouldn’t listen. He couldn’t back down. She could still see the anger in his eyes, and betrayal. Betrayal he had no right to feel. Betrayal that she felt to her core. Betrayal that somehow still made her want to go to him even though she knew it would be a mistake. She thought of how he had watched with suspicion as she stepped closer to him. She remembered the way her hand shook as she brought it to rest along his jaw. She could still see the flash of...something…in his eyes when she had pressed her lips to his.

_‘Let’s fight together.’_

But she hadn’t changed his mind. And he hadn’t changed hers. And somehow they had ended up back on opposite sides of the bus with his firing at her.  Teresa looked over at Pote sitting beside her in the SUV. If he hadn’t been there- if he hadn’t fired at James, she might not have made it out last night. Something she had thought to be nearly impossible once. The anger burned under her skin but the hurt made her eyes sting.

“He tried to kill me.” Her voice was low and ragged, her breathing turned harsh. Pote looked over at her and she wished he would turn back to the road. She couldn’t be weak in front of him. He barely trusted her judgment as it was. Still, the words came. “He said he trusted me. But he didn’t. I was the one who trusted him.” She thought of the nights he brought her coffee so she could sleep. “Even tonight, I thought…” She had thought he wouldn’t shoot her.

“Teresa, he’s like Camila. You can never trust people like that. They only care about themselves.” She wanted to disagree. She wanted to believe that not all of their moments together were a lie. But she couldn’t. Because they had been. Camila had told her, hadn’t she? ‘ _His job is to keep you alive…Until I say otherwise.’_

A tear fell and she brushed it away. She pushed everything that she felt for James away. She pushed everything she _could have_ felt for James away. She had work to do. She had people to meet with. And James Valdez wasn’t a part of any of it. Camila Vargas wasn’t part of any of it. Teresa would do this on her own. She would survive. She would thrive.

_‘We’re in this together.’_

There was no ‘together’.

**2x13**

Epifanio was dead. El Santo had his money. She was safe from Camila. Things were almost right for her. She could almost take a full breath again. Except, Guero wasn’t at the meet point yet. And she didn’t have Devon for distribution anymore. She knew Camila would come for her- for Epifanio. She couldn’t stay in Texas. Not now- not for a while.

She looked out at the water, the waves lapping against the side of George’s boat. She was running again. It was different this time, but she still hated it. She hated that no matter what she had blood on her hands. No one had to die. No one had to be hurt. She had wanted to make a deal. But that wasn’t the way people did things in this business. The power, the money, it all stole the best parts of people. She wouldn’t let it steal more of her.

Teresa turned away from the water as Pote stepped up to where she sat. She knew what he was thinking. It was the same thing she was trying not to think about. “King George says we’re ready to sail.” She let her eyes go back to the water. “Guero’s not here yet.” Guero- it always came back to Guero.

“I know he isn’t.”

She could feel Pote’s heavy gaze on her- reading her. It reminded her of James- the way he watched her. They both saw more than she wanted them to. She thought of Guero. The way he saw her was never the way James and Pote did. She wasn’t sure now if that was good or bad. Maybe it was neither. Maybe it just…was.

“The heart will kill you faster than a bullet.” James’ face, the way he had been the night before Bolivia, flashed into her mind. She could feel his hands on her as he held her beside Brenda’s grave. She heard the phone ringing in the house in Mexico- _‘Guero’s dead’._ She remembered the last time she kissed Guero before he walked away at the airport in Chicago.

_‘Nothing’s changed.’_

_‘Teresa, are you alright?’_

_‘No place I’d rather be than right here, with you.’_

_‘You’re gonna be fine…I’m with you.’_

_‘I love you.’_

_‘We’re in this together.’_

She looked to Pote. She pushed all of the memories aside.

“Let’s go.”


	3. Season 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took two months. I admit I am the worst. But here you go. If we ever get James in S4 I might add to this.

**3x01 - 3x02**

She couldn’t believe that he was in Malta. She couldn’t believe that he was trying to work with her. After Dallas, after the tracker, she couldn’t trust him. But…she did. It still felt like he had earned it, even after everything else. And he had jumped through a window to save her even after she locked him in his trunk.

Teresa’s head fell back on to the sofa and tried to push thoughts of James away. Her eyes fell on the door to Pote’s room. He was sleeping. His hand…She closed her eyes against the tears she felt coming. They had broken his hand. He might not be able to shoot again. Or write properly, or hold a fork steady. They had taken so much more than his gun hand. And they did that to get to her. To hurt her. And he hadn’t given her up.

She almost wished he did.

Something moved out on the balcony. Teresa turned her head and saw James. It bothered her that she knew it was him. It was dark, he was in the shadows, but she still knew his body. She had seen enough of it- touched it enough times. Her mind went back to the warehouse- what he said about keeping her alive. She couldn’t say it was a lie. That bothered her.

James made things harder. There was so much personal tangled in the professional. She didn’t know how to separate it. She needed to separate it. Except it never had been separate. From the first day- the day she tried so hard not to think of- it was messy. The drive to the airport, him trying to make her blow the job, even that night- the night he turned her down for the first time. Personal and professional and messy.

She stood from the sofa, ready to go to bed. But her feet took her to the balcony instead. Her hand opened the door and she stepped out into the cool night air. James startled. It made Teresa go still. James wasn’t jumpy, he was always aware of his surroundings. So his reaction said a lot- mostly that something wasn’t right.

“Are you okay?” Her voice came out softer than she liked. She had agreed to let him work for her, but she hadn’t forgiven him yet. But James barely seemed to notice her anyway. His eyes stared out into the night, but Teresa knew he wasn’t seeing anything- not in Malta, anyway. She stepped closer to him and let her hand rest on his arm. “James.”

He shrugged her off gently. “I’m fine. You should get some sleep. It’s been a long day.” He never even looked in her direction. Even at their worst he had looked at her. She had been able to see what was going on with him. But now it was too dark and he was too far away. It took a moment for his words to sink in. But she smiled a little when they did.

“You always do that, you know.” His brows furrowed in confusion, but he still didn’t look at her. “Try to send me to bed. From the first night you always told me to go to sleep.” His head tilted to the side slightly and Teresa knew he was remembering. Late night coffees, midnight drives, anytime things started getting to be too much he would send her away.

“You never did. You always left on your own terms.” She couldn’t tell if he thought that was a good thing or not. His hand came up to rub his eyes- the way he did when he was stressed. She still knew that, too- his tics. “It drove me crazy.” She smiled at that. But then he turned to face her and the smile faded. Because the light from inside hit him just so and she remembered the other times she spent with him. The times he had done something about the want in his eyes.

But then he turned back toward the night.

She didn’t look back as she went inside.

**3x03**

Everyone was asleep. The flight out of Malta had been quick, but now they were somewhere over the Atlantic. George had hired a private plane to bring them all back to America. She wasn’t sure how she felt about it yet- going back. It was a risk. It might ruin her business or get her killed. But she needed to regroup and they couldn’t do that in Europe or anywhere else.

She thought of the girls she had gotten away from De la Pena. Ten girls for a lost connection and a new enemy. She had thought it was worth it while they were on the plane. She could see the gratitude and peace on their faces. But now reality had started to set in. And with each new obstacle that came to mind she had to work harder to feel like she made the right choice.

Maybe James and Pote had been right. Maybe it was bad business- fighting a battle she would never win. But she had seen herself in their scared faces. She had seen Camila’s warehouse and Aveline’s dead eyes. She had seen Brenda…And she couldn’t leave them there.

“I get why you did it.” Teresa turned to look at James. He was across the aisle from her. She could see his thumb running along his fingers. For some reason the motion calmed him. She wondered why he needed calming. “I see you and the other girls sometimes. Camila’s girls.” She sat up straighter- glancing at Pote to be sure he wasn’t listening. “They came to Camila. All had a reason. But you… I knew you’d get out one day.”

“Did you ever try to help the other girls?” James held her gaze for a long moment. He didn’t say anything but she got her answer. “How many?” He looked away. She should have known not to ask. James would never tell her about the good he’d done. He only told her the things that should make her not trust him. _‘There is no good or bad in this business.’_ Isn’t that what he told her? She still didn’t believe him.

“I still think you’re a good person, James.”

**3x04**

She stood outside of James’ door. It was after midnight, probably after one in the morning. She should be in her bed, asleep. But she wasn’t. She was standing in the hall, still in her clothes from earlier. She wanted to knock. She wanted to go in and talk to him. Really, talk. They hadn’t done that. They had argued in the Malta warehouse. They had discussed business. But anything personal, they had both avoided.

And since Teresa knew that James would follow her lead she had to be the one to go to him first. Which is why she hadn’t yet. Because she wasn’t sure what she wanted. She just knew that she missed what they had before Guero- before Chicago. Before trackers and gunfights in train yards.

Raising her hand, Teresa knocked on the door. As soon as her hand returned to her side the doubts came. Because this could hurt the trust they were rebuilding. This could hurt her business. If she let James in again the way she had before, and it fell apart… She didn’t know how they could come back from it.

The door opening snapped Teresa out of her thoughts. James stood in sweats and a t-shirt, his hair messy. It was a look she wasn’t used to. She had only seen James in regular clothes or a suit. But she liked this look. It made him seem softer.

She watched his hand go to a table by the door and grab his gun. “What’s wrong?” She shook her head. Because nothing was wrong- not really. He glanced over her shoulder before putting the gun back and stepping aside so she could come in. She did. His room was like she imagined it would be. Neatly made bed, organized desk, clothes all put away nicely. Her eyes went back to the bed. He hadn’t been sleeping. “Teresa?”

“Things changed after Chicago, didn’t they?” She turned around to see his reaction. There wasn’t one. And that told her everything she needed to know. “Was it Guero or that I was going to run?” His eyes narrowed slightly but he didn’t say anything. “Or was it both?” She took in the way his hands hung loose at his sides and the way his face was blank of emotion.

“Teresa, why are you here?”

His voice was even, like they were just talking about work. It was…disconcerting. “You changed after Chicago. I want to know what changed.” He let out a heavy sigh and ran a hand down his face. Then he took a step closer to her. She knew this James. Caring, but trying not to. She had seen this James from day one.

“He left you to deal with Epifanio alone. He was a rat who told the feds about Camila’s operation- an operation he knew you were part of.” Teresa dropped her gaze before making herself look back. “Then he shows up and he’s a liability. A snitch who only looks out for himself- no loyalty.”

“Like you? You weren’t loyal either, James. Or was that tracker in Tony’s game a sign of your loyalty?”

He looked at her like she was a naïve child and she hated it. Because she wasn’t. He had been the one to turn on her. Not the other way around. “How many times had you run when I gave you that toy?” She glared at him in silence. “And who signed my paycheck? It wasn’t you. I was loyal to Camila- my boss. The woman I’ve known for years.” She looked away again. “Just because I looked out for you- cared about you- didn’t change the facts.”

She tried to push his words away. But she couldn’t. He was right. She had run twice before he got Tony that game. If she were honest, it was the best way to keep tabs on her. It was a smart business move. And if she was honest with herself, he was right about Camila. Teresa had just expected him to help her because she saw the good in him- because it was the right thing. But Camila was his boss.

“But we weren’t just business, were we?”

James flinched. It was his turn to look away then. “No. We weren’t,” he sighed. “But you changed that, too.” Guero changed that. Guero came and she had to keep Camila from killing him. Guero came and she had to deal with all of the feelings that came with him. And no matter what she might have felt with James, she couldn’t just let Guero go. She had loved him. She still did. James shook his head. “Whatever we were, I didn’t change us, Teresa.”

Somehow they had gotten closer to each other. Her chest almost brushed his and she had to tilt her head up a little to meet his eyes. There was still so much they weren’t saying. There was still so much she was afraid to look too closely at. And his eyes said he felt the same way. James’ hands came to hold her shoulders and he pressed his forehead against hers. Her eyes fell closed and she waited. She didn’t know what for, but she waited.

He stepped back. “Goodnight Teresa.”

Her hands shook the entire walk back to her room.

**3x05**

She hadn’t let herself miss this.

His voice, his steady presence, his mind for business- yes. But this…The feel of him between her thighs. His hands on her bare skin. The taste of him on her lips. She hadn’t let herself miss those things. Because he had hurt her. He had betrayed her. He had let her feel so much with him and then turned it into a lie.

Only, maybe it hadn’t been a lie. Maybe he hadn’t betrayed her as much as she thought he had. And now she didn’t have to miss him anymore- didn’t want to miss him anymore. Not this way. Now she could trail kisses down his chest. Now she could enjoy his hands on her breasts. She could feel him moving inside of her, taking her breath with each thrust of his hips.

James’ arm wrapped around her back and he flipped them over. Her hair fanned out across her pillows as he nipped at her collarbone and his fingers rolled her nipple. Her legs gripped him tighter and her hips rose to meet his- to match his pace. It was slow, achingly slow. And so sweet. Like he wanted to remember the moment. Like he was trying to tell her all the things words couldn’t. It left her shaking-gasping for air.

Her hands slid into his curls and she pulled his mouth back to hers. She needed him like this. She needed to taste him. He went willingly- kissing her like their world could end at any moment. It could- it almost had. But the thought evaporated as his angle changed. He tore his lips from hers, his face twisted in pleasured pain. Her back arched off the bed as she tried to get closer, hold him tighter.

“James…” It was a sigh and a whimper and a prayer. A prayer that he answered. He moved faster, just a little bit. He pressed deeper, she wasn’t even sure how. But it was what she needed. It was perfect. Her eyes slammed shut just to fly open again when his fingers gripped her hair, pulling her head back slightly so he could trail a line of kisses down the column of her throat.

“What, Teresa? Say it,” he growled.

But there was nothing to say. His voice- low and rough and desperately wrecked- washed over her. It sent her under- into a whirlpool of bliss. She let out a hoarse scream, a broken cry of his name. It was too much. Oh God, it was too much. Electricity ran through her body, and pleasure flooded her veins. Her breath caught and caught again. And all she could do was hold James tighter. All she could do was try to hold onto some piece of her soul.

She felt him come as she was beginning to find herself again. Her eyes drank in the sight of him. Head thrown back, eyes closed. The syllables of her name from his shredded voice. She could feel the tension in his body, his muscles locked as he hovered just above her. Her eyes went wide and she jolted against him as she came again- too close to the last one. Her mind went blank and her vision whited out.

James’ hands were tight at her hips and his head was buried against her shoulder when her vision finally cleared. She could feel his heart pounding against her chest. She knew he could feel hers too. Slowly she released her grip on his curls. Slowly her legs unwrapped from his waist and fell to the bed. Finally he pulled out- Teresa’s body tightening around him, not ready to let go. Finally his hands eased their grip- caressing her hips gently. Finally their breathing slowed- steadied.

But her arms stayed around his neck and his head stayed on her shoulder.

She had missed this.

**3x06**

She kept…seeing him. The way he had been the day she met him. Smiling, laughing with Brenda and Chino. Their first real date together. He kept calling her beautiful, the whole night. She saw their first house. It was everything she had dreamed of when she was a little girl and he gave it to her. Teresa smiled. They had made love in every room. Guero had laughed the entire night.

Her smile faded. A tear slid down her cheek. She saw him. Lying on the dirt in Mexico, too long beard, shirt covered in dirt and blood. She had been holding him…in her arms. How did she not know? How could she have fallen asleep? He had needed her and she let him die in her arms.

She pressed her lips together, trying not to cry. But the tears came anyway. He had been locked in a cage. He had been tortured. And she had been in Malta enjoying the sun. She had been in Phoenix expanding her business. He was alone while she had Pote and Tonto and Charger. While she had James…

She opened her eyes- she hadn’t realized she had closed them. She looked at James through the rearview mirror. He had been driving for a while. But he hadn’t said anything to her. He hadn’t said anything at all. What was there to say?

_‘We could use another guy at the winery.’_

She pushed that away. It didn’t matter now. Guero was in Mexico. How many people that she loved would she leave in the dirt there? How many people were going to die because of her? Her eyes went to Pote. His hand was barely healed. Those men would have killed him to get to her. And he would have let them.

James had been willing to go with Devon to keep her safe. He had been willing to sacrifice himself for her since Dallas. She looked at him again and their eyes met. For a moment she saw him the way he had been the night before- naked in her bed. Then she saw Guero the way he had been that night in Chicago- their last night together.

She turned to the window.

There was an emptiness inside of her. One she knew too well. It kept getting bigger and bigger the further they got from Mexico- from Guero. She could feel it pulling her in, pulling her down. She wondered if she would stop hurting when she reached the bottom. She wondered if it could swallow her pain without swallowing her.

She looked back at James, “He’s really gone this time, isn’t he?”

This time he was the one to look away.

**3x07**

She sat on the bed in the room Taza had given her for the night. It wasn’t fancy and she didn’t need it to be. She just needed it to be somewhere that Pecas wouldn’t get to her. Her mind went over everything that had happened that day. Everything that had gone wrong. Pecas’ assassin at the winery, James and Pote locking her in the cellar, KellyAnn being high at work. The day had been a mess.

She had been a mess. She could still see Guero in that tux. She still felt the warmth of his arms around her during their dance. And the stickiness of his blood on her hands as he bled out again. It had felt so real. He had felt so real. And she wanted that- to feel him, to be with him again.

But Guero was gone. And she had a business to run. She had La Comisión to deal with. She had Camila and Cortez after her. She couldn’t stop. Pote…James…they didn’t understand that. They didn’t get that if she slowed down for one second all of the grief and pain would catch her- drag her down.

She needed to work. She needed to be thinking and planning and moving product. She needed to be one step ahead of Camila and Pecas. Because if she wasn’t she wouldn’t be anything. She would be the broken girl Guero had left in Culiacan. She would be the weak girl who had to learn to survive in this business. And she couldn’t go back to that. No more warehouses, no more Camila Vargas’- there could only be Teresa Mendoza, now.

She heard footsteps in the hall and lifted her head to look out the door. James paused in the doorway, his arms braced on the door frame. “I’m heading back. You need anything before I go?” It was like nothing had happened. Like he hadn’t decided what he thought was best for her and done it. She stayed silent. James dropped his arms and gave a quick nod. “Alright. See you tomorrow.” Then he was gone.

Guero stood beside the bed.

She turned the other way- eyes staring at the white wall.

**3x08**

_‘I’m saying this because it’s dangerous.’_

_‘You don’t have to hide from me.’_

_‘He will die for you.’_

Tonto was dead. Lil’ T was barely alive. Pecas had rejected her deal. She had lost part of her shipment. Camila was still coming for her. And now she had made a deal with Mayo. But all of that had faded to the background. Her mind kept circling Pote’s words- her conversation with James.

She could still feel the heat of the explosion. And she still saw James running towards the burning van. But this time she saw what could have happened. She didn’t get to him in time. The van exploded. James was too close. Another person she cared about dying in front of her.

The house was quiet. Pote and Charger had gone to bed a while ago. But Lil’ T had kept Teresa awake. Then trying to plan next steps. Because she couldn’t trust Mayo. But now there was nothing else left to worry about- nothing that had a solution. But she wasn’t ready for sleep. She wasn’t ready for the faces she would see.

She left the living room and made her way upstairs. Pote’s door was closed, but she could see that his room was dark. Lil’ T’s room was dark, too, but Teresa paused there anyway. She could see the Mexican flag that hung over her bed and a poster of a Mexican rapper was over her desk. It was such a teenager’s room. She was eighteen, and she understood the business, but there was still an innocence in the girl.

One Teresa hadn’t wanted her to lose so soon.

She pulled the door closed and turned towards the room she was going to. James’ light was on. He always told her to sleep, but he rarely did. She wondered what he saw that kept him up at night. James’ voice told her to come in as soon as she knocked. She opened the door and slipped inside. If he was surprised to see her he didn’t show it.

“What’s up?” He sat in a chair by the window. Teresa watched as he typed something out on his phone before putting it away to focus on her. “How’s Lil’ T?” She nodded. Lil’ T was fine the last time Teresa had called to check. But that wasn’t why she had come. They both knew that. Teresa watched a slight smile play at the corner of James’ mouth. “You wanna go for a drive?”

She fought back a smile, but she knew she was failing. It had been a long time since she had just gone for a drive. Even longer since a drive made her feel better. “Sure.” James stood up and grabbed his jacket and keys. Then Teresa followed him out of his room and down the stairs.

He tossed her the keys as they walked into the garage. “How long do we have?” She stopped and rolled her eyes dramatically. That had always been her question to him. Back when he had the keys to everything, not just the car. Back when a ride equaled freedom.  Somehow it had only felt that way when James was with her. Maybe that’s why she stopped when she got to Malta.

“Until we run out of gas.” She slid into the driver’s seat and started the car. She was used to James being beside her in the front seat. She was used to riding with him. But this time felt different. It felt right. It reminded her that some things had always been real between them. And this was one of them.

He closed his eyes while she drove. They switched places for the ride back. They didn’t talk- but they didn’t need to. And when he pulled back into the driveway she felt more relaxed than she had in days. And if she was honest, maybe since the last time they had done this.

They climbed the stairs back to his room together.

Her hand found his as they walked into his room.

She fell asleep in his bed, his arms around her waist and her fingers laced through his.

**3x09**

Her breathing had finally calmed down. It had taken a while. They had never been quite like that before. There was always passion- even if it wasn’t the right kind, it had been there. But this…The way James had held her. The way they had moved together- rough and desperate for each other. High off of taking down Mayo- high off of finally getting Phoenix. And nothing to stop them- not Camila, not Guero, not power imbalances. Just them- together.

But now, she could feel more than the pleasured shocks that James had flooded her body with. Now she could see clearly. James’ fingers trailed along her hip, making small circles every so often. Her hand was in his hair, fingers combing through his curls gently. Their eyes were locked on each other. His lips weren’t smiling, but James’ eyes were. She knew he could see her happiness, too.

“We should do this more often.” James’ blinked at her, but didn’t respond. “It’s nice to see you this way. Relaxed.” He closed his eyes and rolled onto his back, but he pulled her with him. She knew he wasn’t good at being vulnerable, but that was fine. She wasn’t either.

His arm covered his eyes, but Teresa could see the hint of a smile on his face. “I’m always relaxed.” She scoffed. That was a lie. He hadn’t even been able to keep a straight face. The smile he had been fighting broke through. His arms moved from his face and settled around her, his hand splayed across her back. “Don’t believe me?”

She shook her head with a smile. “No.” James just shook his head and pulled her closer. She liked this- being naked with him. They had never really allowed themselves moments like this before. Camila had always been a shadow hanging over James. And Guero had kept Teresa from wanting something intimate like this with anyone that wasn’t him. Then there were the cages, and the seemingly different values, and a million other things that made them not trust each other.

But that was gone now. She trusted James to see her this way. And he was trusting her, too. Even after everything, they could have this now. It was nice. Her head rested on his shoulder and his fingers found their way to her curls. They stayed quiet for a long time, enjoying the moment of peace. Then eventually they talked- next steps, expansion, profits and delivery. Then other things. Afghanistan, life before Guero- the things they had never let themselves talk about before. The things that made them vulnerable.

And for once Teresa wasn’t afraid of the vulnerability.

**3x10**

_‘Come back to us.’_

Her finger slid along the edge of Guero’s medallion.

_‘You don’t think… James?’_

She stared at the broken tracker.

_‘You won’t regret this.’_

She wasn’t sure that was true anymore. Exhaustion pressed down on her, but Teresa couldn’t sleep. The plane was too cold. Her body was too sore. And her mind… there were too many questions that she didn’t have answers to.

She wanted to trust him. She wanted to tell Pote that it wasn’t James. But…Her mind went to that cabin in the woods. He saw Tony’s broken Gameboy- the tracker it held. James had done that. He had used someone she loved to keep tabs on her. Was it really so hard to think that he’d use Guero’s medallion, too?

 _Things are different now. This isn’t like before._ But her mind wasn’t as convincing as she hoped it would be. Things were different. They had opened up- they had learned to trust each other again. _‘You don’t have to hide from me.’_ But she had trusted him the first time, too. She had opened up to him in Dallas. Things suddenly felt more similar to last time than different. Besides, James had always been good at separating personal from professional.

Her mind kept replaying the day he showed up in Malta. And then the day that they met. Then every single moment they had ever spent together. She questioned every word- every gesture. She didn’t stop when the plane had landed, or when she was pulling into the driveway. She didn’t stop analyzing and judging and questioning.

Not until she saw him.

James was leaning on the kitchen counter. A small smile pulled at the corner of his lips. It made her doubts go quiet- seeing him like that. Then Pote came to stand next to him and they all came flooding back. Louder- harsher- more difficult to quiet. But if James noticed the sudden tension in her, he didn’t show it. He straightened up, rapping his knuckles on the counter lightly. With a small nod he turned to go, voice warm as he said, “Welcome back, Teresa.”

She hated that she wondered if he meant it.

**3x11**

She didn’t sleep that night.

Lil’ T was gone. KellyAnn was dead. James was…hurt. She had hurt him. She had broken the trust between them. And she didn’t know how to fix it. She had been so sure… No. _Pote_ had been so sure. And she had been so _unsure_ that she had followed his lead. She had let him convince her that James was a rat. She had let him convince her that James was a _threat_. Because she couldn’t be objective about him. Because he meant too much to her. But they had been wrong- so wrong.

And now KellyAnn was dead. She had lost someone else that she cared about. Someone else that she trusted had betrayed her. And this time she couldn’t go to Pote. Because he had missed it. He hadn’t been objective either. And this time she couldn’t go to James. Because he had tried to warn her that KellyAnn was vulnerable and she hadn’t listened. Because he had figured out what she and Pote couldn’t.

Because she had hurt him.

So she didn’t sleep. She stayed up. She stared at the wall in front of her. She counted the minutes that ticked by on the clock. She went over KellyAnn’s confession- replayed James’ expression when he told her he was there for her. And always his face in the kitchen- hurt and angry. Because she could believe it was him but she couldn’t believe it was KellyAnn.

So she stayed up- back against the wall- listening to James work out all night.

**3x12**

She had a ‘deal’ with Cortez. Camila was in Sinaloa. George was back. Well…George was in Phoenix. Teresa wasn’t sure if he would ever be back- not really. She pushed the thought away. She focused on business. It was easier. Business was easier than a lot of things at the moment.

He was leaving. He was leaving and it was her fault. Because she hadn’t trusted him. Because she had let her fears cloud her judgement. She couldn’t blame him. She wanted to. She wanted to make it his fault. But she couldn’t. He had proven his loyalty. They had agreed to put the past behind them. She’s the one who broke the trust this time, not him.

She could hear him in the other room. He was talking to Javier, explaining how they did things. Teresa couldn’t help feeling like he was training his replacement. She hated that thought even while she appreciated him for it. She could hear the exasperation in James’ voice at something Javier said. She let her eyes drift towards the door.

She could go in. She could pull him away, lead him upstairs. He’d let her- probably. That’s how they had started. Her wanting him and James giving her what she wanted. Sex against walls and on kitchen counters. Nights driving and drugged coffee. He had given her so much before they even trusted each other- before either of them actually _cared_ about the other. And he had given her even more after the trust came.

But she wouldn’t ask. She wouldn’t go to him. She would respect his choice- respect the space he had asked for. She could give him that. Because he was still giving her his loyalty- he was still risking his life for her business. He could have walked. He could have left her to figure out that KellyAnn was the mole on her own. But he didn’t. He could have told her to deal with Cortez alone. But he didn’t. So she could stay out of his way if that was what he wanted from her.

Footsteps came into the kitchen. She didn’t look up- she didn’t need to. She wondered when she had learned his footsteps. She wondered a lot of things. “Jimenez is up to speed. Whatever your next move, he’ll know how to handle himself.” James sat in the chair across from her. She could see how tired he was. She could also see the way he didn’t quite meet her eyes- how he looked slightly to the left of her instead. It hurt- a lot.

“I should have trusted you.”

“Teresa-“

“I should have come to you. I’m sorry.” She had already told him this. She had said it on the balcony the night everything went down. But she needed to know he heard her. She needed him to know she meant what she was saying. Because she did.

James sat back and shook his head, his hand running down his face. “Look. It doesn’t matter, alright? It happened. Can’t change it.” But she wanted to change it. She wanted him to stay. She wanted so much. But she didn’t say anything. “I get it. Everything with Tony and Camila…I get why you doubted me.” She took a breath. “You should try to go legit.”

The change in subject shook her for a second. Disappointment mixed with relief, but she went with the shift. Her mind mulled over the idea. It was a good one. Separate things to keep the waters from getting muddied. “Start somewhere new…Legit business only. But keep running product from here and Sinaloa.” It could work. It could be good.

James nodded slowly from his seat and she saw it in his eyes. He was thinking the same thing she was.

_He won’t be there to see it._

**3x13**

Cortez was dead. Camila was in exile. She had a deal with the Colombians. And James was gone.

She had celebrated with the crew. She had teased Pote on the plane. She was proud of what they had accomplished. But…She felt his absence. It was so odd to turn around and see Javier instead of James. It was odd that things were moving forward without him with her. It shouldn’t have been. She had built her business without him for months before Malta.

But that was before Malta. That was before so many other things. And now it felt…almost wrong to be without him. She turned to look out the window. The moon was bright and Teresa liked the way the light reflected off of the clouds. It was beautiful- a little haunting, even. But it somehow matched the loneliness she felt rising in her.

So much had changed- again. So much had happened- again. Guero was gone. KellyAnn was gone. And it hurt, God, it hurt so much. But she had pulled through. She had found a way to survive. And she was proud of that. She had George and she had Taza. She had Boaz and Javier. And Pote- always Pote. And she knew she could handle what came next if she had them.

Her mind went to her goodbye with James. The way he had held her close. The way she hadn’t been able to let him leave with just one kiss. The way she had led him to her room, undressed him slowly. It had been so different from every other time. It had been so much…more. Slow and sweet and full of words she was too afraid to say. Something they could both hold onto- carry with them. Because he was gone, but she wasn’t ready to let him go yet.

She took a deep breath- let the memory fade.

Guero was dead, James was gone, but she knew…

Somehow she’d be alright.

 

**Author's Note:**

> To be clear:  
> Teresa is coping with the Gato situation by trying to erase it using James.  
> And she is also trying to push her grief for Guero down by letting a man she doesn't love or really care about make her feel good. 
> 
> It's not healthy coping. I do not suggest it. But everyone deals with grief and trauma differently.


End file.
